Hi everyone. I know what you're thinking.
"Shouldn't you be doing something with Baby F, since she is going home tomorrow and you need to soak up every last minute you have with her?"
So I want you to know that she is helping me write this blog. She is doing that by sleeping quietly so I can write, and that is helping.
I have been so amazed and grateful at the outpouring of support for us as we've jumped on the foster care wagon. Not only have friends brought by all the supplies we've needed, we've received meals, free baby sitting and plenty of oohs and aahs over the cuteness of the baby, which we had nothing to do with, but enjoy the compliments just the same.
I've also enjoyed getting more readers and feedback for my writing. I'm not gonna lie, it's nice to get compliments on your writing when you want to be a writer.
But there are a few things that some have said that I don't want to leave unaddressed. I seem to get it mostly from mothers, so this is for you. I hope it helps.
When you think about Baby F going home, I think you imagine what it would be like to give up your baby, the one you carried for 9 months, bought clothes for, dreamed of names for, felt kick and hickup and tried to guess the personality of. You think of spending those first mind-numbingly exhausted but elated hours, connecting with the tiny babe, feeling the fingers curl tightly around yours and marveling at the perfection of toes and ears. And then you think about handing that part of your heart over to someone else, and it's really quite unbearable for you. And this is probably about right.
But it's not what I'm going to go through.
I think you're actually empathizing more with E than you know.
On Feb 2, E's life changed with the arrival of the baby girl she had been told was a boy. She held Baby F in her arms and felt like she had been given a second chance. She could keep this one, raise her right, give her everything she needed, everything she never had. Then, that dream was shattered. Yes, it was a consequence of her own bad decisions, but it was a reality she had never prepared for. Her baby girl was taken from her arms and handed over to someone else.
Tomorrow, her dreams get reset. For the first time in 27 days, she gets to be completely in charge of her own baby. She gets to pick out her outfits, she gets to rock her to sleep, she gets to take pictures for hours if she wants. She doesn't have to worry about next time she can see her baby. She doesn't have to steal kisses as her heart gets toted off in someone else's car.
For us, what's going to happen is not shattering or dream-quenching. This reunification is exactly what we've been hoping and praying for from the moment we knew of Baby F. Yes, I love her and am attached to her and would do anything for her, and for that very reason I am going to put on my big girl panties and live that moment with joy. I am going to put this baby in her arms, pray over her, hug her and leave with my heart full, knowing God used me in all my imperfections and selfishness.
God thinks my tears are precious, so I'm not going to be ashamed of crying, but I'm not crying for the same reason E has for the past month. The reason that any of you mothers would. It's going to be hard, but it's a hard that we signed up for, one that E didn't.
So, like I said in my FB status- don't be sad for me. Rejoice and celebrate this homecoming with me. This is the whole point and I for sure am not going to miss it over a pity party!
(PS- please also don't be upset or worried if I don't answer the phone. I know you love and care for me and want to make sure I'm ok. I just don't think I'm up for saying the same thing 400 times a day! Does that make sense? Don't be mad, ok? :-))