Grace for Today (and sleep for tonight)

On the third day we had Baby F, I was overwhelmed with a flood of emotions.

I couldn't stop crying. Every time I picked her up, I burst into tears. Poor baby. I had flashbacks to when I started dating John.

(that doesn't sound right, but keep reading!)

Our entire relationship was long-distance until about 2 months before our wedding, so our times together seemed to be on a constant countdown to saying goodbye. I was constantly sobbing into his chest "I-hi-m no-ha-t a cri-hi-er-er-er!"("I'm not a crier" for those of you who don't speak Bawling). I'm really blessed that he actually married me, come to think of it.

With Baby F, I was back in that countdown zone. On Day 3 I was thinking about saying goodbye to her and couldn't handle it. So, I did what any grad-school educated military officer in her thirties would do.

I called my mommy.

Good thing she speaks Bawling, because a half-hour and half a box of tissue later, she was able to get a word in.

In essence, she told me, "God will give you the grace you need to go through that day. Today is not that day, so you don't have that grace. Quit trying to live in it. He has given you the grace you need for today, and that grace is to love Baby F with all your heart and give her your all. When it comes time to say goodbye, you'll be able to."

They should have an Oscar for moms, and my mom should get it. I have carried her words in my heart every day since. They echo what Jesus told his disciples in Mark 6:34:

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Check it out in The Message:
"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."

I think my mom must have been reading the Bible or something. Am I ever glad she does!&

So with that and the words from the Lord's Prayer, "Give us this day our daily bread," I woke up today knowing that God would give me what I needed to get through taking Baby F home.

This morning I went into task-oriented mode, sorting through piles of clothes, doing laundry, packing her things, trying to cherish our last feeding and diaper changing before it was time to go, and trying to reassure my dog that she'd be my only baby soon. Before I knew it, we were in the car and on our way.

My wonderful pastors, Bill and Lisa Shuler, agreed to meet me at E's house, so I wouldn't be alone. I know John would've been there if he could but a small thing like the Atlantic Ocean got in the way, so the Shulers filled in.

I spent about 30 minutes with E, showing her how to mix the formula, going over Baby F's schedule and giving her some words of encouragement. She told me I could take Baby F to a birthday party with some of her new baby friends this weekend, which is a good sign to me that she really does intend to keep in touch. Then we prayed over them, hugged and went on our way.

I felt good. Calm. Peaceful. Happy. I felt God's pleasure for me and hope for what is to come. So, if that's what you were praying for me, thanks. Keep it up!

And the rest of today has been just the same. I did have a miniscule second of freak-out when I glanced at the car seat and couldn't remember buckling her in and then remembered she wasn't there.

I'd love to know how E did the rest of the day. Getting to know her baby, deciphering her cries and squeaks, learning that she really does need to have the clean diaper ready to go when she moves the dirty one. I'm sure she did great.

And now I get to sleep through the whole night! Can I hear an AMEN!?

This one is for the Moms

Hi everyone. I know what you're thinking.

"Shouldn't you be doing something with Baby F, since she is going home tomorrow and you need to soak up every last minute you have with her?"

So I want you to know that she is helping me write this blog. She is doing that by sleeping quietly so I can write, and that is helping.

I have been so amazed and grateful at the outpouring of support for us as we've jumped on the foster care wagon. Not only have friends brought by all the supplies we've needed, we've received meals, free baby sitting and plenty of oohs and aahs over the cuteness of the baby, which we had nothing to do with, but enjoy the compliments just the same.

I've also enjoyed getting more readers and feedback for my writing. I'm not gonna lie, it's nice to get compliments on your writing when you want to be a writer.

But there are a few things that some have said that I don't want to leave unaddressed. I seem to get it mostly from mothers, so this is for you. I hope it helps.

When you think about Baby F going home, I think you imagine what it would be like to give up your baby, the one you carried for 9 months, bought clothes for, dreamed of names for, felt kick and hickup and tried to guess the personality of. You think of spending those first mind-numbingly exhausted but elated hours, connecting with the tiny babe, feeling the fingers curl tightly around yours and marveling at the perfection of toes and ears. And then you think about handing that part of your heart over to someone else, and it's really quite unbearable for you. And this is probably about right.

But it's not what I'm going to go through.

I think you're actually empathizing more with E than you know.

On Feb 2, E's life changed with the arrival of the baby girl she had been told was a boy. She held Baby F in her arms and felt like she had been given a second chance. She could keep this one, raise her right, give her everything she needed, everything she never had. Then, that dream was shattered. Yes, it was a consequence of her own bad decisions, but it was a reality she had never prepared for. Her baby girl was taken from her arms and handed over to someone else.

Tomorrow, her dreams get reset. For the first time in 27 days, she gets to be completely in charge of her own baby. She gets to pick out her outfits, she gets to rock her to sleep, she gets to take pictures for hours if she wants. She doesn't have to worry about next time she can see her baby. She doesn't have to steal kisses as her heart gets toted off in someone else's car.

For us, what's going to happen is not shattering or dream-quenching. This reunification is exactly what we've been hoping and praying for from the moment we knew of Baby F. Yes, I love her and am attached to her and would do anything for her, and for that very reason I am going to put on my big girl panties and live that moment with joy. I am going to put this baby in her arms, pray over her, hug her and leave with my heart full, knowing God used me in all my imperfections and selfishness.

God thinks my tears are precious, so I'm not going to be ashamed of crying, but I'm not crying for the same reason E has for the past month. The reason that any of you mothers would. It's going to be hard, but it's a hard that we signed up for, one that E didn't.

So, like I said in my FB status- don't be sad for me. Rejoice and celebrate this homecoming with me. This is the whole point and I for sure am not going to miss it over a pity party!

(PS- please also don't be upset or worried if I don't answer the phone. I know you love and care for me and want to make sure I'm ok. I just don't think I'm up for saying the same thing 400 times a day! Does that make sense? Don't be mad, ok? :-))