My Digital Marriage

It's rather appropriate that my romantic relationship with John started out with flirting over text messages. That led to hours on the phone while we dated long distance from Northern to Southern Virginia, then from Honduras to Virginia. We got a few video chats in back then, but it was 2004 and Skype was nothing like it is now and Steve Jobs and his crew hadn't given us the iPhone or FaceTime yet.

Now we use text messaging, Vonage, Skype, Google Video chat, FaceTime and Tango, besides old-fashioned emails and cell-phones, to keep us in touch.

"In touch." Hmm, that's funny. 

Because "touch" is exactly what we do not have, even with all these digits and wires.

You want to stay in touch with your family and friends, but is that really the term you want to use in a marriage? "How are you and John?" "Oh, we're really in touch."

Anyway, this is what we have and this is how we use it.

We get to talk on the phone every day and do video calls several times a week. For the first few weeks I only put the camera on Ayla while we talked, but then I thought he should probably be able to see his wife, even if my hair is a mess. I mean, we have been married for six years and he watched me have a baby, I think he can handle a little frizz. (Okay, a lot of frizz)

I am SO grateful for this technology. (I literally cannot state that any more emphatically, as I used all the basic editing features blogger gives us.) I know many couples with one spouse away don't have the luxury of reliable/constant communication we have, in years past and even today. However, being separate does present challenges to a marriage that can't be ignored without affecting the long-term health of the relationship, and can't be solved merely by using digital communication.

Here are a few main challenges we've encountered in our years of long-distancing (yep, just made that term up) and the work we try to do to stay in front of them:

1) Challenge: Bringing the other person into your world without overburdening them with too much detail or leaving them with not enough information.

Work: Understanding we are living separate lives for the time being and respecting the other person's immersion in their world. I understand that John is working for most of the day and for the few precious moments we talk, that's not what he wants to talk about. He understands that I want to know how he is beyond "good," or "tired," so he tries to think of elements of his work life that would be interesting to me. He'll tell me about the people he works with, the office dynamics, how he feels about a project he's spearheading, and so on. He understands that most of my day is filled with Ayla, and most of what I have to talk about revolves around her. I try to think of more than just her diapers or naps to tell him about. I work to communicate about her in a way that he can stay connected without adding to the weight he's already bearing by being away. We don't have a formula for this, I'm telling you, it's hard work!

2) Challenge: Making the time on the phone/video-chat count.

Work: Letting each day be what it is. Some days, we just don't have much to say, so we just say Hi, I miss you, I love you, talk to you tomorrow. Some days we have to discuss "business" (house stuff, money stuff, car stuff, etc.), so we put that up front. It's not all romantic and deep thoughts. But we have learned that we need those deep talks, too, so we plan and prepare for them. If we have serious relationship issues to discuss, we have to first see if it's something that would be better in person and if it will wait, we table it. If it can't wait, I try to give him heads up that this is something I'd like to talk about in the next few days and see if he'd like to work it out in email or on the phone. I think the key here is being intentional and flexible, and applying lots of grace and consideration for the other person.

3) Challenge: Staying connected spiritually.

Work: Being connected to the Source. I believe we are covered in so much grace for this, but it's still a work on our parts to be submitted to God, live as a citizen of His Kingdom in our respective days and to listen to His voice. This is the hardest challenge, by far, and the most necessary to work at. We try to share about what we're learning from what we're reading or listening to, burdens for prayer, questions we're asking, or stuff we're struggling with. Of course, we can't do any of that if we're not practicing any type of spiritual discipline, which is challenging for everyone (and why it's called a discipline!). I know that I can't do his spiritual work for him, but if I do mine, it benefits him because I'm a healthier person.

I'm sure you've realized the same thing I have in discussing these challenges, that they're the same in same-place marriages! I believe this work is essential for health in any marriage, and we absolutely have to put these things into practice wherever we are.

For people in our situation, though, the need is amplified because we don't have the benefit of touch, of lounging on the couch after a long day's work, or the time together in the car or during a meal. It's not enough for us to just think how wonderful it is that we have Skype or that we get to talk every day, because those things can actually become burdens if we're not working on the relationship that these technologies help connect.

We haven't perfected this by any means. It's still hard and frustrating. It sucks to have to hit "End," and that really be it until the next conversation. But, I think even just being aware of these challenges keeps us proactive against sliding down the easier road of growing apart.

So, I was trying to think of something funny or light-hearted to close with because I feel I got a bit serious up there. (John, you'll just have to forgive me for this.) I have gotten a big kick out of seeing my incredibly strong, manly husband use text lingo like "omg, lol and !!!" these past few months. It seems, even in digits, marriage can be a delightful surprise!

(Next up: I am what I swore I'd never be)

My Bed is Special

Here's a little story about a bed. You might find it's about something a little more, but don't read ahead!

I have a bed that is unlike any other. It may have started out like others, as a mahogany tree in Honduras, but it didn't end up like the others. It may have been built like others, by the hand of a enterprising carpenter, but it still stands unique.

I spent a year in Honduras with the Air Force. Like all the other "cool kids" there, I ordered a few pieces of furniture to be custom built out of world-reknown Honduran mahogany. Several carpenters made their rounds on the base, showing albums of their work. We customers had only to show them pictures of what we wanted from catalogs or printed off the internet and within a few days, they would return with our beautiful furniture. To make this an even sweeter deal (and the only way it really was a deal at all),  we could have the furniture shipped back to the States with our household goods (read: for free).

I ordered a queen-sized bed, a dining room table and six chairs, a book shelf and a few other knick-knacks. My chosen carpenter returned in due time with my furniture, I nodded my approval, handed over my cash and had it packed up to meet me again in Virginia.

When my time in Honduras was over,  my household goods were delivered to my house (much, much later than I expected, something about getting stuck/lost in a warehouse somewhere in the Carolinas), and my furniture was set up in the appropriate rooms (definitely some perks to having the military move you). The table was water damaged and warped, the shelf was hacked with an axe (the downside of having the military move you), but the bed looked great.

We plopped our full-sized mattress on it, and to our surprise, it just sortof swam in the middle of this giant bed frame. The carpenter must have made a king-sized bed instead, we thought, so off we went to buy an appropriate mattress. Again, to our surprise, that mattress hung over the sides, but didn't make it to the end. Finally we thought to measure the bed. We googled the measurements, thinking this must be some sort of special size. Oh, it was special alright. A size our carpenter had invented.

I found a furniture repair company here with Honduran carpenters, thinking they might understand the design of their fellow countryman and be able to come up with a way to rebuild the bed to be a standard size. After much discussion between them, they informed me it was not possible without destroying the bed.

Now, you're probably several steps ahead of me, but it finally dawned on me that we'd have to get a custom mattress. We found a company in Tennessee, worked out a deal, and when all was done and delivered, it wasn't much more costly than buying a mattress from the store. And, fortunately, king-sized sheets and blankets fit it just fine.

So why am I telling you about my special bed? Other than this being my blog and I can write about whatever I want, I'm building up to tell you about something else.

See, God speaks to me with pictures. Analogies, if you will. And a few months into my marriage, He showed me the true beauty in what my special bed symbolizes. My marriage.

Our marriage was designed and built for me and John. Our relationship is not to be compared to anyone else's. Sure, there are similarities, but no one else's marriage will work for us. And ours won't work for anyone else. This theme has been constant throughout our entire relationship.

For example, we started dating (long distance) about two months before I moved to Honduras. We knew even then we were going to get married, and shopped for rings about six weeks in. This may be fast for some people, but for us, it was what we needed. We got engaged half-way through my tour and married two months after I came home. That's only four total months of dating in the same country, with only two of them being in the same area code.

Then, due to our military service, we had a scattered six months together over the course of our first married year. During our second year, John's job had him traveling six weeks every other month. It was tough. Actually, it really sucked at times. But because of the way God had designed and built our marriage, starting with a year of long-distance dating, it worked. We worked.

(And you probably got here ahead of me, too.)

Everyone's marriage is a special bed. I'm glad there are books and classes and conferences and counselors to help us strengthen and improve our marriages. I'm grateful for others who have gone before and beat down trails with mistakes and failures and good choices so I and others can walk with fewer stumbles. But I'm also ever so aware of the unique design in marriage that reflects the unique design in each person. Even though it's tempting at times to be jealous of what other people seem to have, I wouldn't trade a thing about the miracle and gift that I've been given.

I'll have more to say about this in coming posts, but for now, I'd love to hear what is special and unique about your story (marriage or otherwise).

Still here, still opinionated

Hi. My name is Anna. It's been 22 days since my last blog.

Today's topic kindof just plopped in my uniform-clad lap. And it is:

Marrying your best friend

I have been married for 4.83 years. So, this opinion comes from that length of experience. Keep that in mind.

I think you should either marry your best friend, or make the person you marry your best friend. Either way, you should be married to your best friend.

I know I'm not alone in this, so if you agree, you might wonder why this is even a topic of discussion.

Today in my office, it was quite the heated discussion (along with all the important, mission-essential Air Force communicating we were doing).

A coworker got off the phone with who she claimed was her best friend whom she dearly loved, no other guy like him in the world, big smile on face. I suggested that he was the kind of person she should marry, but she immediately threw out the typical excuses: We're more like brother and sister, we know each other too well, we're too much alike, and so on. To me, these aren't real excuses. A real excuse would be: I am so not attracted to him, he has a girlfriend/boyfriend, he doesn't ever want to get married, etc...

So, to add fuel to my suggestion, I asked the other guy in the room, who had been married for all of a week and a half, didn't he agree that you should marry your best friend. And he did not agree.

He claimed your relationships with your best friends should be separate from your marriage. Your best friends, he said, take you out and get you drunk and create crazy memories. Your spouse is the steady, supportive person you always come back home to. Your best friends are the people who do the things you love with you, while your spouse is the one you compromise to do the things he/she loves with.

Obviously, we have different viewpoints on this and here's what I tried to share with both of them.

Of course you need to have friends, even best friends, outside of your marriage. You need to have your own hobbies, your own space, your alone time, all of that. You need to have/build/earn enough trust in your partner that you can go do "crazy" activities (alcohol optional) with others without it causing a riff.

But your spouse as your best friend means that is the person you'd rather hang out with than anyone else in the world. That is the person you want to tell your good or bad news to first. That is the person who knows the most about you and loves you anyway. That is your person you want to build crazy memories with, because that is the person you're committed to life with. That is the person who will walk through all the mud and muck of life with you, make you run faster to the finish line, call you out when you're not being true to yourself. That is the person you respect and honor enough to fight fair, both be winners and come out even better friends.

Now, I usually ask a question at the end of my blogs that a person or two will answer, but they go largely ignored. Today, though, I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. I could've gone on and on about the spouse-as-best-friend philosophy, but I have a feeling some of you could either say it better or inform my opinion.

So let's have it. Should you marry your best friend? Are your best friend and your spouse distinct and separate relationships? What about that friend you love, but just aren't attracted to in "that way?" Any of you marry that one?

Over to you...

Wife Life, Part 2

This is my take on what friendship can look like in the early years of marriage. To start, another analogy:

Marriage is like a house, and the more time you spend building it, (then decorating it!) the stronger and safer place it is to shelter you and your spouse, then your kids, and even friends and other relationships. (As for Me and My House by Walt Wangerin explores this concept beautifully.) You can think of every decision you and your husband make as either ‘House’ time; building, decorating, cleaning, just enjoying it, or not.

Other than your relationship with God, your relationship with your husband has to come first, even if previous friendships have to take a back seat for a while. You shouldn’t feel bad or guilty that you don’t have as much time to spend with your friends or as much energy to invest in developing new friends.

This part of the discussion will focus on existing friendships and I’ll talk about new friends in Wife Life pt 3.

It might be helpful for you to recognize which friendships in your life are low and high maintenance. I think of low maintenance as the friends who I can go months and months without seeing or speaking to, or just rely on quick texts and Facebook messages. When we do talk it’s like no time has passed at all and nothing has to be reestablished between you. These are friends who uplift you and make you feel refreshed after your time together.

I think of high maintenance friendships as needing a great quantity of time to talk with, who may take some warm-up time after long separations or those who even take some energy out of you. This kind of friend can be just as amazing and enriching in the long run as any other.

Obviously, this is over simplifying it, but here’s another analogy close to my heart. There are several different kinds of recipes you can choose to make the same kind of meal. Some of them are 4 ingredients, 30 minutes, 1 dish kind of recipes. If you’re in a hurry or on a budget, these are the kind of recipes you should probably use. On the other hand, some are your gourmet, 18 ingredients you’ve never heard of, spend all day in the kitchen type of recipes. If you get it right, the result is amazing, so it’s often worth the time, but you can only do it once in a while.

I do not throw out my fancy cookbooks when I am in 4-ingredient mode. I may pull out and use the 4-ingredient one a lot more often, but that fancy one has a special place in my heart and gives me great joy when I can put one of those meals on the table.

Maybe the way we choose in which friendships to invest in that first season of marriage is a little like picking which recipe to use.

This analogy also works for looking at the nourishing value of friendships. We should be aware of what nourishes us and what doesn’t. Just like a pregnant woman has to think about what will be harmful or beneficial to her baby, a new wife needs to be thinking about the impact of the choices she makes on her marriage. You need friends who will provide sharpening, wise counsel and gentle accountability.

The difficult thing is making some space for yourself with those HM-types. The LM-types will understand and may not even notice. We give new moms plenty of space to bond with their newborns and don’t expect them to return to the same kind of lifestyles they had before baby. We need to do the same kind of thing for new wives (and ourselves).

I’d say give yourself at least a year to be a husband-focused wife, give or take a month depending on what kind of people you and your husband are. There is no set formula, though.
Extroverts need a lot more people around them, while introverts may never feel like taking the initiative to see friendship outside their marriage. Most of us marry people who balance us out, so embrace it if your spouse challenges you to change the way you approach people, as long as it’s healthy and beneficial to your ‘house.’

I’m about 50% introvert/extrovert, so while I enjoy the times with other friends, I don’t instinctively seek them out. My husband is about the same, but fortunately for us, we can operate in either mode when necessary and completely understand where the other one is on any given day. He is also very good about encouraging me to have girl nights when he knows the girls will be able to speak something into me or just refresh my soul when I need it. And I try to do the same for him (with guys, of course!).

The appropriate amount of time to spend in those foundational months of marriage will also depend on your relationship with your husband. Some new couples come out of a pretty tumultuous or dramatic courtship or wedding season, so they need to hunker down and figure out who they are as a couple. Others may have been high school sweethearts and have already figured out how to integrate couple-time and others-time by the time they say “I do.”

In addition, for your health and sanity, you may need to turn down social engagements, cut back on volunteering or the other extra commitments, and you shouldn’t feel like a bad person or friend because of it. Others who have been ‘in-country’ longer or not at all may not understand, but you can graciously let people know you are soaking in that ‘newly-married’ smell as long as it lasts and will get back into the social lane when it’s the right time for you and your husband.

Just think of this time as the season for intentional relationship investment, and if you invest in the right order of priorities, your payback will be beyond measure. I know I haven’t been in this new country that long, but I’ve seen that as my marriage matures, so increases my capacity for other relationships.

Reading over this entry, it seems I’ve taken a self-focused view on friendships. I’m comfortable with that as long as the CS Lewis friendship circle principle is used (see Pt 1). Being intentional about what is influencing me is also intentionality about what I’m able to offer others, including my husband.

I’d love to hear your comments on other factors to consider in friendships during the early days of Wife Life. So far I’ve mentioned recognizing the types of friends you have, the value of choosing wisely the friendships to invest in, the type of person you are and the type of relationship you have with your husband.

Stay tuned for Part 3, where I will discuss making new friends in Wife Life. (First, though, I have to figure it out!)

Wife Life pt 1

Getting married is like moving to a foreign country. You can read about it, plan for it, study the language, look at pictures others have taken and talk to others who have been or lived there. But until you really get there, unpack your suitcase and step outside, it’s not real.

So,  while being a newlywed can be utterly wonderful and the best time of your life, it can also be extremely frustrating and confusing. And, like living overseas, you sortof have to relearn how to do things, like drive on the other side of the road or not do certain things with your hands or feet.

I’ll call this new country ‘Wife Life’ until I think of something better.

I wanted to write about and start a discussion about one element in Wife Life that a friend asked me about recently. I have some thoughts on it, but I’m interested to see what others have to say, too. Here is the question:

“How do you make new friends or keep old friends when all you want to do at the end of a busy day at work is go home and spend time with your husband?”

This is a great question and one I can really relate to.

Just as background, I have been married for three and a half years, which probably still qualifies me as a newlywed, and also means that I don’t know much about this country yet. My husband and I knew each other as acquaintances for one and a half years before we started dating, then it was a quick transition from friends to courtship, with marriage 17 months after our first date. It would’ve been sooner, but I actually lived overseas for 12 of those months!

When we got married, I had moved from Honduras to Washington D.C. and basically only knew my husband and his friends from church, who quickly became my friends, too (thank God!). Eventually, though, we made ‘our’ friends and I made my own friends. 

Friendship is so important, I think we’d all agree on that. There’s even a study that says that women need girl-time for their health (http://www.anapsid.org/cnd/gender/tendfend.html). In a grad school class, we learned about the CS Lewis friendship circle. He says that in special circles of friendships, you become someone with those friends you cannot be without each of them. So if one of the friends leave and/or another takes her place, everyone changes a little bit. (Grad school CS Lewis friends, have I got this right?)

I think the friends I have now are essential to the kind of person I am, and therefore are essential to the kind of wife I am to my husband, and the kind of friend I can be to others.

In pt 2, I’ll share my thoughts on how to “do” friendship in the early years of marriage, but for now I’d love to hear some other perspectives from you who have walked through this successfully, or maybe are still new to this country and have some questions of your own.