One year ago today

This is how I told John, gave him this little box, suggesting
we include it in our Mother's Day gifts for our moms.

And here's my Ayla Jewel today!

Ayla's Quarterly report (and her Every Day pics)

92 days. A quarter of a year. Just a blink, the beginning of the inhale of the breath of her life. (A life which I believe started with her conception almost exactly a year ago!)

If I couldn't believe it by actually feeling the three months since my darling baby girl came into my life, I'd have to believe it by the tag on her clothes (3 months!), my fellow Jan 12-baby-mama, Shannon's, blog, and well, the plethora of pictures I have stored in various places.

First, a little about her.

Ayla is blossoming into a wonderful little girl. She is about 13 pounds (based on my home-scale holding-her weighing) and carries it all in her belly and thighs. Her favorite thing to do is lay on her back on her changing table and kick her legs and talk. I call it her happy dance. She thwarts my attempts to get it on video by stopping whatever she is doing anytime I point the camera (or iPod more likely) in her direction.

She's also very into talking and laughing. Especially when she's nursing. She gets me going and then we just laugh at each other. This is just one of many special moments that I would love to capture so I can relive later, but am almost glad I can't. It just makes me soak in them and cherish them that much more.

She is doing very well with her head/neck control, but isn't 100%. She's much sturdier, though, so she spends ample time sitting up in my lap or propped up on pillows nearby. She's not quite pushing herself up on her arms during tummy time, but she's close. I've been rolling her over so she can see how it feels, but she hasn't shown any interest in doing it by herself yet. She can hold herself up on her legs, she just doesn't have the upper body strength and balance to stand yet (and I'm very ok with that!)

She's a great eater. Always has been. For this I am very grateful. She's still on about a 3-hour cycle for eating, playing and sleeping, except at night when she does a 5-hour/dream-feed/4-hour combo. I really don't mind getting up to feed her at night because it's one of the only times she'll sleep in my arms anymore.

She is very generous with her smiles and is very social. She smiles at just about everyone who looks at her. She smiles at herself in the mirror (if only she could always do that!). Lately, I've even caught her smiling at the lamp and the clock (and she hasn't even seen Beauty and the Beast yet!).

I know, I know, enough talking about the girl. Time to show you how this month flew.

Every Day Ayla - Month Two

I couldn't find a good song for the slideshow this month, so I decided to just do this as a photo collage.

And as a bonus, here's Month One as a collage, too!

The gift, the puzzle, the story

Every day, I unwrap a new present. Every day, I start working on a new puzzle. Every day, I start reading a new story.

I watch her eyelids flutter open, tiny eyelashes on the verge of curling. Her mouth starts making its rounds, readying her tongue to bring breakfast in. Then, as I peel off her swaddling, her long arms jolt perfect hands to action. Unknowingly (or maybe just unknown to me), she starts conducting the beautiful music we'll sing and dance to together today. Her legs, so humanly frog-like, direct feet, once planted firmly in my ribs, in a rhythm all her own.

I pick up my precious gift and we start our dance of this day together. Like a video game outdated by the time she's old enough to play it, the dance is as much a game, a puzzle even, as art.

How long will you eat this time, baby? Which side will be your favorite? Are you really finished or just taking a break? Where is that burp, princess? I need to hear it before you get more. This worked yesterday, are you already that different? This morning you were snuggly, now you're acting like you drank 5-hour-energy. Will you want to be changed before you go to sleep, or will the cold air wake you up too much with hiccups and sobs? Will you sleep flat, roll to your side, demand to be held or just keep your beautiful eyes on me or your dad? How long will you sleep this time, my dear? Do I have time to take a nap or a shower, start some laundry, finish a meal snack bite? Yes, I'm laughing at your snores. Is there anything else to do about them? How did you get even cuter since lunch? Apparently, kissing your cheeks only makes them sweeter.

She answers me in coos and grunts and squeaks, and, yes, sometimes even cries. She tells me her story as best she can.

This story is both new and familiar. The characters, the plot twists, the adventures of the princess. All of them shifting slightly like the shadows of nursery curtains swaying to the fan's beat. It's all I can do to remember yesterday's version, which is already overgrown with the daughter of today. The end of each story is the same, a wonderful same I will never tire of.  She drinks me in and I eat her up. We change each other. Connect each other to life, now and to come.

This is life. A gift, a puzzle, a story full of love and mystery.

Mother-in-L(ove) - A Special Guest Blogger

{I had the great fortune to have my mother-in-law here for a week. I know many people who don't feel that way about their spouse's parents, but if you've ever met Cheryl, you know I won the mother-in-law lottery.

I asked assigned her to write a guest post for my blog, but when she first handed it in, I didn't want to post it. As you'll see, out of all the things she could've written about -- being a grandma, her son, her granddaughter, her grandson, being an educator, how much she loves Texas -- she wrote about me. 

After some thought, though, I decided to go ahead and post it. I realized, that despite her best efforts, this still says more about her than it does about me. It shows her generous, loving heart. It shows her continual desire to learn and grow. It shows her gift for remembering and celebrating details and uniqueness in other people. These are all qualities I love about her son, and I pray her granddaughter inherited too!}

I have been given an assignment.  As a teacher I am used to giving assignments, not getting them.  Anna has requested (with a deadline and a consequence)  that I write a guest blog.  This is my first experience with blogging, so if the “professional bloggers” out there will cut me a little slack, I will do my best to complete my assignment. 

It is a little overwhelming to think about writing something that many people will be reading.  I have been pondering about what to write for two days and the one thought that keeps coming back to me is that this is my opportunity to share with Anna’s readers’ things that I appreciate about her.  Many of them you already know, but as John’s mother and Ayla’s grandmother I feel that I have a unique perspective.  So that is what I have decided to do. 

From the moment that John called me and said, “Momma, I got a girlfriend!” until today I have been getting to know this very special woman who has brought such joy to my son.  The more I get to know her the more that I am convinced that she was hand-picked by God for my son John.   There are many things that I appreciate about Anna.  What I love the most about Anna is her love for our Father.  I love that she continually seeks Him and listens to His voice.  She has a heart for people and reaches out to her friends and family.  Anna is a thinking woman and wants to walk in truth. 

I love to get in conversations with her about current events.  I always learn so much.  Of course my favorite subject to talk about with her is the Lord.  She always has a perspective and insight that I hadn’t thought of before.   I love Anna’s  creativity which shows up in her writing and her many projects around the house.  I love her world vision. 

Anna is  at home on the back of John’s motorcycle, canoeing down the river, as well as dressed up and off to a formal event.  Anna loves to plan special events for her guests.  A good example of this is when my daughter Kimberly, my grandson Jaden and I went to Georgia to see John’s graduation.  She planned a very special evening at the restaurant where she worked.  We really enjoyed it. 

Anna has a great sense of adventure and she is a strong woman who is able to work through the bumps in life that come her way.

Having said all that, (and I could go on and on) the greatest gift that Anna has given me is the privilege of being Grandma to her little Jewel, Ayla.  For those of you who have not yet met our princess Ayla, you are in for a treat.  She is the sweetest!  So, I will add being a great mom to Anna’s long list of things that I love about her.  It is such a blessing to know that your granddaughter is in such good hands.  I am one blessed grandma.  Ayla is my second grandchild, but my first granddaughter.  Thank you Anna and John for such a precious gift. 

So, Anna, here is your guest blog.  I love you and thank God often for bringing you to our family.  You are the best!  I know that you are going to be a great Mom, and Ayla is super blessed to have you for her mother.  I am praying for you, John, and Ayla as you enter this next phase of your journey together. 

Love,

Mom

{Thanks, Mom! I have been so grateful for you since I fell in love with John and I love continually discovering the treasure you are.}

In The Moment - A Special Guest Blogger

{While my mom was visiting us to meet her newest grand baby, I gave her a homework assignment. Here is her first (but maybe not the last?) guest post.}

Sitting, holding, rocking, weeping, watching, cooing, enjoying, loving

How privileged I am to be able to come to Virginia and meet my newest grandchild, Ayla Jewel. Yes, it happened again - my heart is enlarged and my love is multiplied!

Ayla is perfect, beautiful and everything one could pray for. She does all the things a newborn is supposed to do - she sleeps, nurses, makes faces, fills her diapers, makes "ohs" with her lips, looks into my eyes, and sometimes even smiles (No, Walter, it is NOT gas!).

It is hard, though, for me to stay "in the moment." 

I look at her and I remember holding her mother in my arms. She, too, was a perfect, beautiful little girl. After two wonderful boys, I was blessed with my A.J. - Anna Joy. I remember the feelings, tears, hopes and prayers. I remember knowing my dependence on the Lord and being humbled with the responsibility of raising a daughter.

April 1979

 I am also remembering my mom. How she loved babies! She would have been so thrilled about Ayla and so happy for Anna and John. What a legacy! Mom loved to say we come from a long line of  God-fearing, strong women. I would like to say we come from a lon line of strong, godly women.

It is also hard to stay "in the moment" because I look to the future, of course not knowing what it holds. My "mother/grandmother" heart wants it all for my kids and grandkids...

Happiness, peace, joy, success, fulfillment,and love.

No sorrow, pain, hurt, or loneliness.

A wise woman told me when I had my babies that I could prepare not only them, but also their children for their roles in the world. I prayed (oh, how I prayed!), read, studied and tried to raise my children so they would know God, serve Him and find their places in His world.

I know Anna is also looking back and toward the future. And we are both soaking in this blessing --

Being in the moment with Ayla, our Jewel.

Bonus points if you can identify the real "blueberry" in this picture.

{Thanks Mom! You're the best!}

I have a daughter

If I had told you that with my actual voice (as opposed to my written one), there's a 97% chance that's as far as I'd get. I'd either get too choked up to finish and just look at you with tears in my eyes, hoping you'd fill in the rest, or actually start crying mid-sentence and try to finish but you'd still have to figure out the rest.

So, to keep this blog authentic, I'll leave it there for now.

I won't leave you with nothing, though. As part of God's amazing gift of the entire story of Ayla, He brought me two blogs I don't usually read with words to get me through the labor and delivery process and shape the way I raise my girl.

Ann Voskamp is the new "who I want to be when I grow up." Here's a portion of her blog posted Monday:

“Remember?” I whisper it gentle. “You’re a bag of sand and there’s a hole in your toe — and the sand just keeps trickling out. Just let everything that comes on, trickle on through. Don’t hold on… Just breathe and let go.” All the torn places in a life show us to how let go.

And the work of birthing a child is the work of raising a child –  knowing how to let go. We breathe slow together, letting what He gives in this moment fill us, run through us, move on out into the world.

I don’t know how many times a day I still midwife myself and these children, “Just take a deep breath… Breathe.“ The beautiful labor over a child never ends. Our every breath is a murmuring of His name, YWHW.

These words couldn't have been more timely or more essential for me getting through the hours of labor, both naturally and medically induced.

Then, on Wednesday, shortly after I gave birth to a daughter who, by overwhelming popular opinion including my own, looks just like me, my friend Emily posted the link to this blog from titled Own Your Beauty: When Your Girl Looks Like You:

I know that she's a girl, and oh, girls are so good at being so hard on themselves. I want her to be really, really bad at that. I want her to always see what I do when I look at her. I want her to keep peering into the mirror with satisfaction, saying in the sweetest voice you've ever heard- "I look so pretty," and believing it. Not just when she looks at herself in certain light either, at a certain angle, when her hair is having a particularly amazing day. 

Although those days are nice.

I've read it at least 20 times and still can't get through it without tearing up. I'm sure you'll hear more from me about this, or I will say something like, "You know that blog I linked to about having a daughter that looks like me? Yeah, I'm working on that."

Finally, because I'm feeling very mushy gushy right now, here's a sweet pic of my angel to close out your Sunday.

Blueberry unveiled

At 11:33pm on January 12, 2011, we met our beautiful promise.

Our princess.

7lbs, 9oz, 20 inches

100% perfection

Ayla - (Hebrew) Oak tree, tree

Jewel- (English) a person or thing that is treasured, esteemed, or indispensable.

These verses represent our prayer for her life and why we picked these names.

Isaiah 61:3 That they may be called oaks of righteousness,

   the planting of the LORD, that he may be glorified.

Psalm 1:2-3 But (her) delight is in the law of Jehovah; And on his law doth (s)he meditate day and night.

 And (s)he shall be like a tree planted by the streams of water, That bringeth forth its fruit in its season, Whose leaf also doth not wither; And whatsoever (s)he doeth shall prosper.

Proverbs 20:13 There is gold and abundance of costly stones,

   but the lips of knowledge are a precious jewel.

We are so blessed!

(Feel free to share this link  with others or on Facebook. I'll be back on the 'Book tomorrow, but for now, I'm gonna rest and enjoy my family!)

End in Sight

In a matter of hours, a 3-plus years dream of having a baby in my arms made from me and John is going to come true. That, and ONLY that is what I've been working towards all day.

At the moment, I'm relaxing in my hospital bed, letting the pitocin, epidural, and the nurses do their job to help make this dream come true. I'm 8 cm, Blueberry is at +1 station (nice and low!), and we are both doing well with our blood pressure and heart rates, thanks to a little Effedrin.

This day has not gone as I had hoped, but the finish line is the same and it is so near! From water breaking at 1:45am to 12 hours of "natural" labor later, I had only dilated 3 cm. We started pitocin at 1:45pm and I gave natural labor my very best for 4 hours. I know 4 hours is a tiny speck in a 3-yr journey, let alone a lifetime, but it felt like eternity. I asked (rather urgently I must admit) for the Epi at 6, and was soon in happy-land!

Now, I thought I would be well prepared for such an arduous task as natural childbirth for several factors: 1) I've run 3 marathons. I can employ a long-term mentality in required situations. 2) I have high pain tolerance. Blame this one on my brothers for toughening me up as a kid. 3) I'm very, VERY stubborn. There is little I won't finish that I start.

However, these factors were not actually in my favor today. 1) Marathons, even for first-timers are a universal distance, with well-established rituals to help you train and perform at the level you are able. And most of all- they are marked with mile-markers! And everyone who has seen the 20-mile marker has exactly the same distance left to go. Not so with childbirth! Every factor here is different for every individual. We all may have the same finish line, but our distances and routes to get there are never the same. 2) The pain of pitocin-induced contractions was far more than I expected, but I truly believe they were still in my threshold of tolerance. What I couldn't do was run without mile-markers. I had been in such pain for the last two hours accepting that it was all for a good cause, but when the report came back that NO progress had been made, John and I knew we had to try something else. 3) Being stubborn here was actually going to be a stumbling block to get to my finish line. I really, really wanted to do this whole thing without drugs. But I want a baby in my arms far more and it was clear that I could not have that by mere stubbornness.

So here we are. So close to meeting our son or daughter, our emotions have the nurses tearing up. We have never lost sight of the true finish line and we have been surrounded all day (and truthfully for the past 3+ years) by the best crowd support a couple could ask for.

Keep cheering my friends! We're almost there.

Baby Name hints

Alright, y'all. I know some of you are getting anxious to hear any news about Blueberry.

Well, as many people have told me, just hang in there. I'm not anxious, just relaxing and enjoying what will be the last precious moments with my baby as close to me as he or she will ever be and being with my husband before the biggest life change we know.

I'm feeling pretty good. We've learned how to manage the pain of the swelling feet (massages with Burt's Bees Mama Bee Leg and Foot Creme). I can feel myself getting stronger on my long walks every day (Mocha is enjoying them, too!). I went to a chiropractor today who gave me a great adjustment and the good news that there's nothing blocking Blueberry from dropping and also some good stretches to do to stay aligned.

So, while we ALL patiently wait, I thought I'd give you the only hint we've given out about our chosen names. We're going to use John's initials if we have a boy and mine if we have a girl.

Have fun guessing!

Finish Line Joys!

So here we are. The last day, the last blog and the last joys of the 2010. I don't know about you, but I'm glad to be crossing this finish line (I might be waddling slowly, but I'm finishing, dang it!). In honor of finishing, I thought I'd include some joys that involve completion.

 91) I have had a major jewelry problem for the past several years, in that I have had too much jewelry to fit in any box that I could find. I don't wear very much jewelry, but I like to get and buy it, so that leads me to needing adequate display/storage, especially for my necklaces. A few months ago, I created the boards on the left out of a cheap pack of bulletin squares w/ stick-ups, scrapbook pages and ribbon for backing and cute thumb tacks. The total for the project came to about $10 and I was very proud of it. Until they all fell off the wall a few weeks later. Not one to be easily daunted, I tried again with a real bulletin board covered with scrapbook pages and ribbon screwed into the wall, with cute thumb tacks to hang the necklaces on. And I am once again proud of it!

 92) About 3 years ago we took the door off the closet in our bedroom, thinking we'd hang a curtain up to give us more space. So for the past 3 years, the closet door has been off the hinges in the space we thought we'd save. Well, today, we finally got the curtain rods up and the curtain hung. Space saved!!

 93) Oh, this is nothing much, just a little bag packed to take to the hospital when we go there to have our baby!!

94) Speaking of our baby, I promised you a sneak peak of Blueberry's room. Well, here's the before, when it was our spare guest room and general dumping ground for random stuff; John and my best friend, Neelka, painting it, and what it actually looks like today. I know, we are so ready for this baby! Don't worry, we'll get the furniture redispersed to where it belongs after the floors are finished tomorrow, and I'll show you the whole nursery when it's really complete.

95) Until then, here's another peek. This is the crib set and memory board my mom made out of the fabric I shipped her (see pile on left). She's amazing! I'm so excited for Blueberry to have this one of a kind nursery made with love by family. (Mom wants you to know the blue pillows are blueberries, not to be confused with blue for boy.)

96) When I was at the grocery store today with half of the other residents of my zipcode, the lady behind the deli counter asked how close I was. I told her I had one week to go and asked if she wanted to guess what I was having. She said she should know after 6 kids of her own and guessed girl. Then she asked me to bring "her" in to meet her next week. I've never seen this lady before in my life, but I think we gave each other a little bit of joy in the midst of a hectic shopping day!

97) It's almost 8pm here. That's 2 hours after the NYE party that we're supposed to be at started. And my wonderful husband is patiently waiting for me to finish this blog so we can go. He will be almost as happy as I am that this self-imposed deadline has been met!

98-99) I started this month of joys with my nephew Solomon, having no idea that he'd be my closing joys as well. He's been in the hospital for the past two weeks fighting numerous symptoms caused by a viscous infection. My brother and sister-in-law, and the rest of us, have been overwhelmed with the outpouring of support, prayers and love for this little guy. They want to make sure the staff at the hospital doesn't go unrecognized for all their loving work, so here is our little hero with Drs Chang and Mather. You can just see how much joy they have in this now healthy patient. 

100) Solomon is home! He is out of the hospital. He is done! This is truly glad tidings of great joy to be spread across the land!

And now, so am I. Happy New Year to all of you!

Belly and Baby (and Bible) Joy

Somehow I've made it almost all the way through this month of joys without sharing one of my main sources of joy - The Bible. 

But with so much to meditate on in the Word, I needed to pick a theme, so I decided to illustrate a few Scriptures with the progression of my belly and ultrasound pictures. I hope you enjoy them (and forgive me for a few out-of-context-but-funny-or-appropriate selections!).

70)  For there is nothing hidden which will not be revealed, nor has anything been kept secret but that it should come to light. Mark 4:22 (not quite showing yet)

71) For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay.  Habakkuk 2:3 (not finding out the gender)

72) For indeed, as soon as the voice of your greeting sounded in my ears, the babe leaped in my womb for joy.  Blessed is she who believed, for there will be a fulfillment of those things which were told her from the Lord. Luke 1:44-45 (around this time I really could feel Blueberry moving)

73) Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, The fruit of the womb is a reward. Psalm 127:3 (ah, back in the cute bump days)

74) I was cast upon You from birth. From My mother’s womb You have been My God. Psalm 22:10

75) The LORD has done great things for us, and we are glad. Psalm 126:3

76) Those who sow in tears shall reap in joy. Psalm 126:5

77) For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well. Psalm 139:13-14

78) When the LORD your God enlarges your border as He has promised you, and you say, ‘Let me eat meat,’ because you long to eat meat, you may eat as much meat as your heart desires. Deuteronomy 12:20 (I know this is out of context, but isn't it true to the approach we sometimes take to eating when we are pregnant? Plus, I do feel that God is enlarging my borders as promised!)

79) My frame was not hidden from You, when I was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.  And in Your book they all were written, the days fashioned for me, when as yet there were none of them. Psalm 139:15-16 (Even though Blueberry is playing peek-a-boo here, I love knowing s/he will never be hidden from the loving eyes of God.)

80) Do not neglect the gift that is in you, which was given to you by prophecy with the laying on of the hands of the eldership. Meditate on these things; give yourself entirely to them, that your progress may be evident to all. I Timothy 4:14-15 (Again, I know it's out of context, but I have felt my pregnancy is a literal depiction of this passage. This baby's life is a gift, given after much prayer with laying on of hands. As I have taken care of this unborn baby, learning all I can about it and preparing myself for my entire life to be changed, my progress (physically at least!) is evident to all.)

PS: I get lots of comments that I am not that big. I actually have been measuring a few weeks small, which is why I got to have the two extra 33-and 37-week ultrasounds. Fortunately, Blueberry is measuring just a few days small, so well within the acceptable range. But believe me, I FEEL huge and have gained more than the average share of weight, so there.

Mocha's big move

My dog is moving to another country next year. She doesn't know it yet, so if you promise not to spoil the surprise, I'll tell you how this big move came about.

A few months ago, we learned that John's job was going transfer him overseas for a year. A year that would start a month or so after our baby was due.

We'd known since he took this job, he would be eligible for world-wide reassignment. It's a big world that includes where we live now, hundreds of countries, and a few places where people go for a year without their families.

Before we were pregnant, it was always my plan that if he ever got one of those "solo" assignments, I'd find a way to go "with" him, or at least go somewhere at the same time, whether in a military deployment or working for an NGO.

As it turns out, he will be going to one of those few places I can't go with him. Or "with" him.

Since I'm not trying to have my blog show up in any crazy internet searches, I'll tell you this way. It starts with P and ends with tan. Let's call it P-tan.

Honestly, I was jealous before I was sad, because I can't go. I'm the one who read the Greg Mortenson books first and wanted to jump on a plane and go help over there. I have a genetically inherited wanderlust and have wanted to live in that region since I was 17, when I first visited (a different country) and fell in love with it.

But he's going and I'm not. I'm having a baby. A much prayed-for, long-awaited, precious, miraculous baby. And that baby's first year is going to be way different that our dreams of it would have determined.

Of course, we've had time to process this and we're dealing with it pretty well. We've cried a lot. (Mostly me). We've questioned our decisions, we've questioned "God's timing," we've sought wise counsel, we've prayed and cried some more. We've talked to people who have done this. (Lots of people have done this, like thousands of troops deployed for the past several years. What a proud company of sacrifice for us to be joining!) We've gotten amazing support from our families and friends.

Remember my blog about our bed? This is what I was setting you up to tell you. We believe God has been preparing us for this since before we met. He gave us a thirst for adventure, a love for travel and a desire to live in and raise our kids in awareness and appreciation for foreign cultures. He wove something into the DNA of our relationship that has enabled us to endure, thrive and grow as a couple during our separations.

When we started dating two months before I left the country for a year, we knew that something in the separation was necessary for us to be the couple God intended us to be. And even through many tears and questions now, I believe the same thing. There is some reason, a good purpose, that our family will be shaped in this unique way.

We know it's going to be tough, but here are some of the perks we're focusing on now:
-We'll be together for the birth and the first 6 weeks afterwards. Huge perk considering how many dads in uniform watch their children's births over the internet or not at all.

-He will get three 3-week vacations during the year. That, plus the 6 weeks he's taking off after the baby is born, is almost four months off! He wouldn't get that much time off if we were staying here or going somewhere together.

-He would probably have to do an assignment like this at some point in his career. To be able to get it done in the year Blueberry won't even know he's gone is really a blessing. I can't imagine how much harder it would be a few years down the road with older/more kids.

-In my mind, P-tan is by far the best of the few of the places he could go by himself. The U.S. has had a presence there since 1947, and where he'll be working is huge, safe and well-equipped. Plus, he's super excited about the work he gets to do.

-He will have an advantage for his next assignment, which will of course include me and Blueberry!

-He gets to take Mocha! This is going to be great for all of us. I can't imagine trying to care for a new baby and a very active, needy dog in the winter, by myself. He will have a piece of home with him and his second biggest fan greeting him every day when he's done with work. He even met someone who's going there soon and is taking their lab and they've already agreed to take turns dog-sitting while the other is on vacations. And since Mocha's life revolves around John and food, she'll be as happy as a dog can be.

As for me, I'll be ok. I'll have a baby. I'll spend some time with my families in Texas and Oklahoma. I'll do some traveling. I'll get three 3-week vacations with my husband. I'll cry. I'll write. I'll take hundreds of pictures. I'll get comfortable on video chats. I'll learn and be stretched and grow (and hope to shrink a little bit, too!) in ways I never could've imagined.

I'm counting this a joy, not because it makes me happy and not because it will be so much fun, but because James 1:2-4 tells me to count trials (which I'm pretty sure this counts as) as joy because the testing of my faith produces patience, and patience has a perfect work to do, which will leave me lacking nothing. I think I'm going to need all of that for this next year!

(Oh, and you know I love comments, but please remember comments are searchable too!)

A Warning for Blueberry

Dear Blueberry,

You should know that your mommy is a goof. You are going to figure this out someday, but I just don't want it to come as a big shock to you, so I'm giving you fair warning.

Case in point: The way I get when I can't stop laughing (especially when your daddy is the cause).

Here's a tree I thought was beautiful, so I was taking pictures of it. (I will often do this when I see trees or flowers I like. You'll get used to it.)

Then I thought, this would be a great backdrop to get some pictures with some of my favorite friends (your Aunt Liz and Aunt Mary- you'll love them!)

Mary's baby boy is just 10 weeks younger than you!

Then Aunt Liz says, "You should get a picture of you and John in front of this tree," and proceeds to say to John "Can I take a picture with your wife in front of the tree?" To which he replies, "Sure, go ahead," and walks away.

So, I get really tickled that he thinks she's really asking permission to take my picture and by the time he is informed that the request was for him to be in it, I have lost it. (And I'm laughing again now, typing this)

And of course he takes full advantage of my inability to stop laughing and keeps telling me to be serious so we can take this picture in front of this tree.

He's a cruel, cruel man.

I'm finally able to keep a straight face, but it's not even worth it.

One day, you might also discover that your daddy is a nerd, but most likely you'll always think he's a superhero (which he is). But just remember, if you inherit his ability to make me laugh and enjoyment in egging me on, you have been warned!

The Gift of Receiving Well

I do not like to learn. I just like to know. For someone who wants to be a teacher someday, this is a strange paradox.

Going deeper, though, it's really that I don't like process. I just like result.

I am most uncomfortable when I am new at something. A job, a relationship, a concept. I want to skip right over to the part where I'm an expert. I do not like not being good at something.

I very much like being the strong, capable, competent one. I like to be the one with the answer, the word of encouragement, the good advice.

Now, I realize that very soon, much sooner than I'm ready for, I will be new at something once again. I will not be physically and mentally at my peak. I'm already finding pregnancy brain and body changing what I am capable of.

(And for those of you who haven't been here yet, people LOVE giving you advice when you're pregnant or have a baby! This isn't a bad thing, it's just a constant thing. I digress...)

I don't like asking for help. Oh, I love to give it, I love to be the one people can rely on. I own the phrase, "It is better to give than to receive." But having Blueberry, even now, is making me realize I am going to need help and need to ask for help and need to receive that help gladly and graciously and gratefully. And all of that is a process that I have to learn! (Ech!)

For the past few months I have been telling God, "You are going to have to teach me how to receive, but don't do it yet. I'm doing ok right now." Somehow, though, He keeps loving me and showing me how much I need to receive this gift from Him. This gift of receiving well.

I just wanted to put this out here now, because it's going to be an important theme for me the next few months. And my friend, Alece, who is one of my heroes, said in a video today that it's important for us to tell our stories, even while we are going through them, not just at the end when there's a pretty bow to tie it all up with.

So there you go.

(Strangely enough, I'm really good at receiving your comments. Hmm... :-))

Vote for Blueberry

In the spirit of Election Day, I thought I'd take advantage of the "Let your voice be heard" fervor and take my own poll. You will be able to change your vote until the polls close on Dec 31, 2010.

If you're thinking you don't have time to vote or that your vote doesn't count, just think of all the code that was written so this vote could be taken and all the babies who have gone before who did not have the chance to be voted on. Inspiring, right?

Not my own

I was hanging out with my Aunt Paula yesterday. My Aunt Paula from California. Maybe I should be more specific. My dad's sister, Aunt Paula from California, because I have two Aunt Paulas from California. Ok, now that we've cleared that up...

She asked me if I felt like my body was no longer my own, as she had heard other pregnant friends mention. Like, had the baby taken over and was I feeling like a mere vessel. I had to think about it for a few minutes.

Blueberry is definitely moving around so much these days. There is at least one water aerobics class taking place in there every day, usually around noon. I also get "Oh, boy, you woke up at 4 a.m. to use the bathroom, so let's play!" kicks and "Nooo... you can't go to sleep yet!" kicks as bookends to my day. I think Blueberry is doing some decorating in there, too, because I think I feel hammering from time to time.

But so far, it's just been fun. Nothing too painful or uncomfortable and sometimes I forget I'm carrying another person around until I try to bend over or get up too quickly. I haven't had to change my diet too much, but have enjoyed having the excuse to splurge a little now and then (or a lot and all the time. whatever.).

As I continued to think about her question, I recalled how other people are reacting to me being pregnant. I was just visiting family in Oklahoma and Texas and every female and a few of the males in my family approached me with eyes directed and hands outstretched to my belly. I was like "Eyes up here, people, I have a face!"

I don't mind at all, I think it's kind of funny. I think I've probably done that to pregnant people. And every question or conversation has something to do with the baby. It's like you lose track that this person actually existed before they got pregnant.

The more I thought about it, the more I think I can say "yes." My life is not about me anymore. I don't think it ever will be again. Once Blueberry gets here, the attention will shift from my belly to the bundle. The conversation will still center on the baby. Heck, I probably won't have much else to talk about, so that'll probably make things easier.

So, I'm pretty grateful I have these few months left to get used to being a mere baby carrier. Seeing as how I've prayed and dreamed about this for years, I really can't think of anything else I'd rather be!

Perfume Ad

So I'm sitting here at 10pm, watching TV and wondering what to blog about tonight. I'm thinking, I'm not going to get inspiration by watching TV. But I was wrong. I've always laughed at perfume and cologne ads because they are so random. If you're watching a commercial and 15 seconds in, you still have no idea what it's for, it's probably for perfume.

I thought, I could write a perfume ad. And then I thought, you could too!

Here's mine:

It's an echo deep inside. A desire, a dream, a promise, a reality. And for once in your life, there's nothing you can do. Hold your breath. Here it goes again.

Introducing Hiccups, a new fragrance by Blueberry 

Ok, your turn!

(PS - I asked John what I should blog about tonight and he said Blueberry and Mocha. The only thing I can think to say about Mocha is that I wish whatever school taught her that pitiful-my-world-is-ending look would have also taught her how to unload the dishwasher! That would be so much more useful!)

(But for real, I'd love to see what perfume ads you come up with. Please play!)

Beach Love

Dear Blueberry,

You won't remember this weekend, so let me just tell you about it. We went to the beach with some of our very best friends. We also saw some of Mommy's favorite people who knew me before I ever met your Daddy. I know, a long long time ago! They've been praying for you to come along almost as long as we have.

Aunt Ali with your "cousins" Tegan and Laci, and Uncle Nic

We love the beach and I think you will, too. Being at the beach gives you permission to do absolutely nothing for an entire day. Well, doing nothing isn't completely accurate. There are plenty of things to do. You can watch the water or go jump in it.

You can watch the wild life. In the sky or running to and from the waves.

You can eat way too much. You can build empires (and jump on them later).

(I don't know this kid, just thought he was cute)

or you can just sit and do, well, nothing.

This time, while we were splashing around in the water, you were doing your own water aerobics in my belly. I think you were having almost as much fun in there as I was feeling you flipping around! I promise to take you to the beach again, once you're on this side, and I'm sure you'll be the cutest babe on any beach anywhere.

Until then, I'll be content carrying you as close to me as I ever will.

All my love,
Mommy

Baby Love

Today I got some unexpected surprises, both welcome of course!

This morning after eating my first breakfast of cereal at around 6 (John's alarm woke me up, so what was I supposed to do?), I tried to go back to sleep, but Blueberry had other ideas.

I've been feeling flutterings and twitches for about two weeks now, but nothing I could feel from the outside. This morning, there it was. My hand bounced off my belly! I think the kid was doing somersaults, because it was this long, slow motion, definitely not gas bubbles! I texted John who was out walking Mocha and he ran back in, but Blueberry was on break. Sure enough, as soon as he was out the door, s/he started it up again.

I wish there was a way for me to capture what that feels like for John. I know you other women who have carried babies understand. I can't take any type of recording or impression of it. All I have are words, which are very failing.

Finally. Finally, after months of knowing there's a baby in there, even hearing a heartbeat and seeing the pictures, I don't need any machine to tell me I'm having a baby. The scale and my clothes have been hinting at it, but now I really know it. Simply amazing.

Ok, moving on to the next fun thing.

Baby F's mom called me yesterday and asked if I could watch her today. Her regular daycare provider had the flu, so of course I was excited to hang out with her. For my newer readers, Baby F was our first foster care placement back in February and we had her for the first month of her life. Here she is when we got her:

(2 days old)

Here she is today with her new best friend, Mocha:

(7 months old)

That girl is crawling and trying to stand up! She's eating baby food. She was totally fearless around Mocha and the adoration was mutual.

We also went to visit our good friends, Bre and Seth, who we were in a Beth Moore study with earlier this year. Here are the kids in February:

And here they are today:

And finally, here's one of me with the little lady. 

(Yeah, it's my "i'm holding a kid" picture smile. I hope I learn to smile naturally by the time Blueberry makes a debut!)