I'm sorry, Love

Dear Love,
I've been using you this month. I thought it would be cute if all my blog titles had something to do with love. But I owe you a big apology.

I know that you are so much bigger and more powerful than something I can ascribe to food or a month. You are such a necessary ingredient for life, at least for making life beautiful, and though you are definitely worth talking about, you deserve more than being a catch phrase to make my blogs match.

So here's what I'm gonna do. If the blogs I'm writing from here on out don't really speak of what I believe you are, I'm gonna use your cute cousin, Luv. Keepin' it in the family, but not so formal, you know? I hope that's ok.

Gratefully yours,
Anna

Not Feeling the Love

I'm only 9 days in and I'm already hitting a speed bump with my blogging. I can not think of a joyful, loving topic to write about today. I started one with a list of things (celebrities, fads, products) that I don't love. I've been stewing this one for a while, and now that I've written it, I'm not sure I'm going to publish it.

Part of me feels it's only fair to show you that side of me. But then I also know there's already so much negativity out there and I don't know that I need to add to it. Plus, some of the things I don't love are things that people I love really love or at least like a lot, and me not loving those things could come across like me not loving those people, and that's not true at all. So, I'll let that one stew a little bit longer.

I think it's just one of those days. A number of petty occurrences that in tomorrow's light won't matter much, but today just had me crashing after the sugar high of yesterday's birthday love (and cake).

I just have to decide. Decide to be thankful. I have so much to be thankful for. For example:
- A car that works great and is currently full of loaned baby stuff and remnants of a great weekend with great friends.
- Friends who pray for me and listen to the voice of God.
- Blueberry- Seriously, after all the years of praying and waiting, that there is this little person in me who is able to hear me and kick me should be enough to blow away any grey clouds that loom.

That's all for tonight. What helps you kick the blues to the curb?

Birthday Love

Last year on this day, I told you about how I tried to stop celebrating my birthday several years ago. It was an unsuccessful attempt, because apparently birthdays are an unstoppable force that only Jehovah's Witnesses can escape (but I'm not willing to go quite that far!).

I don't have anything against birthdays in general, I just didn't want mine to be a big deal anymore. Facebook telling everyone that it's my birthday doesn't really help with that, but I've come to accept it.

This is my 33rd birthday, which means I'm starting my 34th year. That seems like a lot, between a half to a third of my life already, depending on how the journey goes. Of course I still feel like I have so much to learn and grow in, but there are some things I have come to appreciate about aging.

1) Credibility. I think, as a general rule, people take you more seriously when you're in your 30s than when you're in your 20s.

2) Comfort. I'm far more comfortable in my own skin than I've ever been in my life. That is, with the exception of the discomfort of a stretching mid-section, but I'll take the cause for that (right now) any day! Sure, I still fight off insecurities, but I know more about what is important in life - what actually lasts - to worry about trying to be someone I'm not.

3) Compassion. For some people this is a gift that comes naturally. For me, it's something that I've grown more in as I've seen and experienced more of the world. I think it comes hand in hand with what I said above; as we grow more secure in our place in life, we can allow ourselves to think more about others.

I can think of many more things that start with C and other letters, too, but the main one on my mind is Cake, as in the one my amazing, wonderful husband baked for me (first time ever for him!) and is waiting upstairs.

What do you think are some gifts that come along with aging?

Last Minute Love

Wow! Today was packed and flew by, so I'm doing a last-minute post to stay true to my blog-a-day commitment. 

I just got home from the cooking class I take every week, and have a bit of a deep thought I'll blog about in more depth later. For now, I'll give you the thought and Scripture, and if you have any thoughts on it, the floor is yours!

The thought has to do with salt, and how in almost every dish we learn how to make, this is the most important ingredient. Chef Patrice usually waits until right at the end to add most of the salt, because this is where the cook has the most control. He also never gives us a measurement for any dish, we just have to learn to season to taste.

That said, here is the Scripture:

Colossians 4:6 Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone. (NIV)

I look forward to exploring with you how these concepts go together and how they can be applied to our lives.

Beach Love

Dear Blueberry,

You won't remember this weekend, so let me just tell you about it. We went to the beach with some of our very best friends. We also saw some of Mommy's favorite people who knew me before I ever met your Daddy. I know, a long long time ago! They've been praying for you to come along almost as long as we have.

Aunt Ali with your "cousins" Tegan and Laci, and Uncle Nic

We love the beach and I think you will, too. Being at the beach gives you permission to do absolutely nothing for an entire day. Well, doing nothing isn't completely accurate. There are plenty of things to do. You can watch the water or go jump in it.

You can watch the wild life. In the sky or running to and from the waves.

You can eat way too much. You can build empires (and jump on them later).

(I don't know this kid, just thought he was cute)

or you can just sit and do, well, nothing.

This time, while we were splashing around in the water, you were doing your own water aerobics in my belly. I think you were having almost as much fun in there as I was feeling you flipping around! I promise to take you to the beach again, once you're on this side, and I'm sure you'll be the cutest babe on any beach anywhere.

Until then, I'll be content carrying you as close to me as I ever will.

All my love,
Mommy

Blog Love

So your favorite blogger (me, in case you wondered) is away at the beach for the weekend, but you really want to read some good blogs. What ever are you going to do?

Never fear! I got your back. I'll hook you up. Here are some of the blogs that have been challenging, encouraging or just making me laugh lately. Most are linked through the images except for the first one, which would not cooperate.

Laugh

My friend, Lacie, is hilarious and a great writer. You should be warned that she's really into The Jersey Shore, but other than that, her blog is one of the highlights of my days!

Encourage

My friend, Lindsey, lives in South Africa, for now. Just recently, she opened up about her journey in infertility land. I've loved reading as God works in her and her husband through this and can't wait to see what the next chapter for them is.

On the other end of the journey, is my internet friend, Stacey. I discovered her through the awesome guest blog she wrote for Stuff Christians Like and have been following her journey ever since. She is carrying her seventh baby, but will give birth to her first (in mere days!) after 9 years of recurrent loss and infertility! Many times what she writes about is exactly what I want to say.

Challenge

You may have seen this video or story as it made its way around the web. If not, watch it first.

 

Though I went to college with the Arnolds, and I remember them, I can't say I really know them. The surviving brother, Chad, started a blog and with raw honesty, is continuing to share the story that has touched thousands of lives.

I "met" Sara through my IRL friend Alece. She is an amazing writer and artist, who, though confined to her house due to a very rare disease called Ankylosing Spondylitis, has chosen to spend her life in joy and service to God and others. She also plays Words With Friends with me from time to time, so that automatically makes her a winner!

Cooking (bonus section)

Sommer and I were great friends in high school and college. We went on two mission trips to India together. She's now a cooking instructor in Asheville, NC, and shares her culinary love and skillful writing with the world.

Mary is a dear friend who told me about the Culinary Skills 101 class we're currently taking together. She's been blogging about each of our lessons and making the recipes at home, so if you want to follow along with us (for free, no less!), follow her blog.

Well, that's all for now. I hope you've found something here you enjoy! 

Happy Labor Day Weekend!

Dawn Love

My senior year at ORU, I had the honor of being a Resident Advisor (in Braxton, 3M, "Commissioned" at the time, if you care). Our dean of women was Dawn Hoskey. She would become one of the most influential people ever in my life and I still love her madly to this day.

Her niece, Jessica, was an RA in our dorm that year, and it worked out well for our dorm group that Dean Dawn also lived in an apartment in our dorm. I like to think our Braxton group was her favorite because we got to spend all sorts of quality time with her. That's probably why I'm such an awesome person today, because of all of Dawn's love and mothering of us.

Now that I'm 12 years out of ORU and life has changed dramatically for both of us, I have so enjoyed getting to know her as a friend. I think we're probably related somehow, too. She rides Harleys (she's the sales manager at Myers-Duren Harley in Tulsa, so if you need a bike, go see her!) and has a goddaughter at the same special school my nephew, Solo, goes to. And just recently, she became a foster mom.

(Dawn, with her goddaughter, Morgan)

I used to say that I wouldn't get married until Dean Dawn did. She was so awesome and I thought I could convince God to bring her a husband sooner if I offered to hold off on mine. Well, God doesn't work that way, fortunately (for me and John), and though His ways are a mystery, they are good. She doesn't blog, but sends out a monthly email called "Friday Evening Ponderings" to her favorite people. She agreed to let me use last week's as a blog post, making her my first guest blogger.

Enjoy!
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This past Monday, I made my way to a shopping mall in pursuit of a special clothing purchase.  I don’t really care for clothes shopping these days, and quite frankly, I’d be perfectly happy to never step foot into the mall again.   But on this occasion, I was pretty excited to begin the hunt for a garment that would hold special meaning.

                  With Baby M in tow, I made my way through the likes of JC Penney, Dillards, and Macy’s.  Dress shopping is never easy for me, but I was determined to continue my search until I’d found what I wanted.   Sure enough, after several unsuccessful fittings of various dresses, I happened upon a two-piece suit that screamed my name.  The fit was perfect.  Thrilled with my find, I made my way to the check-out counter.  The sales associate rang up my purchase and as she placed a garment bag over the suit, she asked, “What’s the occasion?”

                  “A wedding," I replied.   And then, without giving it a second thought, I proudly announced, “Actually, I’m a first time Mother of the Bride!”

                  Mother of the Bride.   These are words I would never have imagined saying in reference to myself, yet, there they were.  A moment later, the impact of this realization caused my heart to swell with a form of happiness I’ve never known.

                  Now, before you think I’ve lost my marbles or that I’m suddenly revealing a hidden aspect of my life, let me explain.  My lovely niece, Jessica, will walk down the aisle one week from tonight.  While all of my nieces and nephews are near and dear to me, I hold a unique relationship with Jessica due to the way our lives have intertwined.   She has been very present in my life for her entire 31 years, and I in hers.   She lived with me two different times while attending ORU and has been subject to my “mothering” on many occasions.   There has never been, nor will there ever be a time, when I will not feel that she is, in fact, my child.  

                  So, when she became engaged and started to make wedding plans, she asked her “real” mother (my sister, Mary), if she would be o.k. with sharing the “Mother of the Bride” title with me.  Being the wonderful big sister that she is, Mary agreed.  And just like that, a hidden longing of my heart became a dream come true.

                  Many years ago, a young man named Anthony approached me during a chapel service at ORU.  He felt impressed to share a specific passage of scripture with me, and to encourage me with something he felt in his heart, which was a knowing that I would indeed be a mother one day.  At the time, I found hope in the words he spoke and even kept a written record of them in my Bible.  But as time marched on, and my dreams of marriage, children and family remained unfulfilled, I grew angry with God.  Actually, I became quite cynical and suspicious in regard to scripture.  While I remained fairly confident that the promises in the Bible could be valid, I simply concluded that they were not meant for me.  After years of waiting, it had become obvious that God wasn’t interested in granting me the desires of my heart.

                  Or so I thought.

                  The passage that Anthony shared with me on that day is found in Isaiah 54, verses 1-2:

“Sing, O barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song and shout for joy, you who were never in labor, because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband, says the Lord.  Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes.”

                  As I walked out of the store on Monday, I caught a reflection of myself in a pane of glass.  In that refection, I saw a woman, who, with one hand, was pushing a stroller, which held a beautiful baby girl, and with the other hand, was holding her “Mother of the bride” suit.  Instantly, the memory of Anthony’s words from all those many years ago flooded my mind and heart.  At that moment, I not only realized who I am to Jessica and Baby M, but to the dozens and dozens of other children, both grown and young, who consider me as their mother.  And with that, came a piercing awareness that was undeniable and profound … God had not forgotten me.

  I AM a mother.  And though I am not mothering in the way I hoped I would, I am a mother, all the same.  I did not arrive at this place in accordance with my own plans.  The road I traveled to get here is not even close to the one I thought I’d take.  I could NEVER have calculated this journey, even if I were given a thousand years to do so.  I have children, not in the way I thought I would, but in the way God planned.  All along the way, God has been positioning my careers, my friends, and my encounters, causing them to line up with an extraordinary harmony that has made the seemingly impossible, possible.

When God says, “I know the plans I have for you … plans to prosper you … plans to give you hope and a future," He really does mean it.  It might not feel like it at times, but it doesn’t make it any less true. 

Tonight, I want to encourage you to sing out with joy … to enlarge the place of your dwelling and to not hold back on what you’ve been holding as the desire of your heart.  God hears you … He knows what you long for.  Do not grow faint, but trust that your life, like mine, will fall into order as it should. 

“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.”  -  Proverbs 13.12

(found at alexandersmithdesign.net)

Thank you, Dawn. I love you!