Anna's Joy

Six Things

2012-01-31T00:14:00.000-05:00

File under random:

I've been a little online shopping click-happy lately, so to prove I don't only blog about Ayla, here are six things delivered this week about which I am very excited.

1) Ayla's birthday present from her PaPa (John's dad). He sent a check, I picked it out! It's a P'kolino Little Sofa-Sleeper. Right now she mostly uses it to climb as high as she can and look out the window, but I'm sure many hours of story-time and sleepovers are ahead.

2) An Ergo carrier! I have used the Baby Bjorn, a few different slings and wraps and ties, but I needed something that was better for her and my back and easy to get in and out of. It was a steal on BabySteals.com.

3) Inspired by Finn Baltic amber necklace. I don't know why this brand is the only one I've seen with these necklaces, but my sister swears by them and I think it's really cute! So far, Ayla likes wearing it, but I don't know if it's helping with the teething pain yet. Another great steal from BabySteals.

4) Much needed replacement lens cover for my camera. I lost the original in California this summer and have been recklessly tossing the Rebel into bags with no protection to take hundreds of pictures I don't edit or upload. Call me a, I don't know, a rebel?

5) Hand-made honey pot from Etsy. Look, it was just getting messy getting the honey out of the giant jar.

6) Sublime Imprint Anti-Fatigue comfort mats for my kitchen floor. I finally found the right color, size and comfort combo, and Amazon had them for half price. Winner!

Since it's now officially Tuesday here, I can tell you about something else I'm getting today. Want to guess?
Here's a hint: He once took me for a ride, then gave me a beautiful shiny thing. His name is John and he's my husband.
Got it?
I am a little more excited about this delivery than the other ones!

Have a great rest of your week, my dear readers!

Every Day Ayla - One Whole Year!

2012-01-25T23:06:00.000-05:00

For the last two weeks as I've been alternating between procrastination and frustration at getting this video done, I've also been pondering what to tell you about my one-year-old daughter.

I usually tell you what she's doing now, her new tricks and skills. But the days are just whipping by and she keeps changing and I honestly can't keep up. By now I can't remember what she was doing or saying two weeks ago, so I'm just going to do the update as of now.

The word for her current phase is spongexplosion. I had to make up a word since she is soaking everything in and then exhibiting growth in huge bursts.

She has four teeth, all on top. I think the bottom ones are working their way up. At least I hope what all this night-time fussing has been about.

She's not walking independently yet, but she loves to finger walk, push toys around and cruise on the furniture. I think she might be waiting for her daddy to come for his next visit (next week!!) to take her first steps, so we'll see. I'm still in no hurry! She's great at climbing up the stairs and going down backwards.

She likes putting things in and taking them out. She has discovered the magic of putting things behind her to make them disappear. She has also discovered the spatial relationship between her finger and nostril. I'm sure this will also be used to make things "disappear." She hugs everything and makes a sweet "oooh" sound when she does it.

She's as friendly as ever, a bit clingier, a whole lot moodier, and quite the little entertainer. I think she's pretty advanced in that she's already throwing herself on the floor in tantrums with big ol' tears and everything. The ramp between happy and not-happy is gone, so I'm trying to learn how to predict and react to the sudden changes. I'm sure much of this has to do with her frustration at not being able to communicate as much as she wants to.

She is selective in what she says and signs, but she understands SO much. She even makes up words and signs when she's in the mood.

Here's what she says, in the order in which I can remember them: daddy, mama, doggy, ball, puff, pul (apple), tatuh (water), hugy/eggy (hungry), ity (kitty), mungy (monkey), Teta (Greta, the girl who lives with us), aaaht (hat), Aaah (Abigail, her best friend), touch, shhh (shoes), caka (cracker).

Here's what she signs: more, finished, please, dog, banana, eat/water (her sign for these looks the same), fish, baby, and milk. She's getting close on frog and cat.

She knows where her/my head, hair, ears, nose, eyes, mouth and bellybutton are. She makes the animal sounds for cows and monkeys, pants for a dog, makes a fishy face for fish, and hops for bunnies and frogs.

I'll do the eating and sleeping update in another post, because this has gotten so long and you've still got to watch the video, which is a whopping 6:24. I couldn't figure out a way to go through the stills any faster, and just wanted to get it out there while she was still a baby.

Enjoy!

(link to video on YouTube, let me know if you can't view it)

Nothing like I'd planned

2012-01-10T23:47:00.000-05:00

I had planned to do a whole week of Ayla's-turning-one related posts leading up to a big reveal of her 365 Every Day pictures and a snazzy video and fireworks and pizza for everyone. Ok, maybe not the fireworks.

(Coincidentally (?) my post from this date last year was also about "plans" and our intentions for letting people know about when the baby "Blueberry" (awww... remember Blueberry?) came.)

Point being, her birthday is actually the day after tomorrow and this is it.

Tomorrow is the last day of her first year.

And since it's 11:33 (awww... the exact time she was born), that's in less than 30 minutes.

So, here's a little teaser photo from the birthday celebration we had for her today at the moms' group we are blessed to be a part of. My friend's son, Micah, turned 1 on Sunday, so we brought snacks and balloons and let the kiddos go at it.

Ok, just one more...

I have a feeling this is the start of a long
and beautiful relationship with chocolate!

Ayla is going to be a big sister

2012-01-06T12:15:00.000-05:00

Someday. I'm not pregnant. I promise.

Even as my heart tightens around every little baby thing my growing daughter does, because I know the days are getting faster and it hasn't even been a year yet, I feel this space in my heart growing for our next child.

It's a bit conflicting, this feeling. A desire, really. Verging on a hope.

Dare I?

Dare I ask for another?

I have this amazing, perfect little girl who looks like her daddy and has my stubborn streak and a smile straight from heaven and I am definitely not bored raising her. It is one thing to be content and just "see what happens," but it's another thing (for me, at least) to step into the hope zone again.

People have asked me how many kids I want to have and how far apart I want them to be. I tell them, "We've gone through too much to suppose our wants have anything to do with it." Seriously, if it had been completely up to me, I would've been married at 20 and finished having/adopting 8 kids by 30 (math and science weren't my strongest subjects)!

Thank GOD that was not His plan for me! I look at my Ayla Jewel and am so grateful. SO Grateful for the very day my first child was born and every day of her life that has been when it is. Do you know what I mean? And if she's all we get, then we will be full and grateful.

I mean, look at her:

I have friends with different kinds of stories of how their families grew. They have decided to get pregnant and have done so. They have decided to have kids so many months apart and have done so. I'm so very happy for them.

I have friends who, like us, who walked the infertility road for some time, got pregnant, then their bodies "figured it out," and it never was a problem again. I know others who experience miscarriages between every full-term pregnancy, or just have long, unexplained waits every time. I know others who are "one and done."

Of course, there's no way for me to know what my body is going to do or how long the wait for Ayla's sibling will be. I don't know if said sibling will be birthed or adopted. I don't even know what's going to happen tomorrow!

I'm okay with not knowing the when, the who, the how. I hope I learned something in the 3 1/2 years we waited for Ayla.

What I don't know if I'm okay not knowing (follow me?) is the if. If we will in fact have a who somehow somewhen.

I'm pretty sure our family isn't complete yet. I may not want 8 kids anymore, but how can I not want to see if luck would hit us again with another angel baby? I see how much Ayla loves people, how great she is around other kids and I know she would be a fantastic big sister. I think of how much I love being a big sister (and a little sister, too) (had to put that in because my older brothers are two of the 10 people who read my blog), and I want that for her.

These are my thoughts as we speed down the track to complete this first-year lap. What did I learn during the pre-Ayla season? What lessons about hoping and waiting stuck and which will I have to learn all over again? I know I didn't write about my One Word very much in 2011, but it was ask and I did learn to be a better asker. So, am I ready to ask for this? For Ayla to be a big sister?

Gratefully, simply, humbly, in whispers and with a longing I don’t quite understand,

yes.

Every Day Ayla - Month 11

2011-12-12T22:22:00.000-05:00

Well folks, this is it.

The last monthly every day collage. Next month we'll finish off this project with a nice video of a whole year of my baby girl. I can't believe it. All day while editing the pictures, I just kept shaking my head.

Why does it amaze or sadden us when our children grow up? That's what we want, right?

The word of month 11 is "communication." Ayla's language skills have been on the forefront of her development and it's been fun to see her connect things she says or signs to the effect that has. She can now sign "milk," "dog," and "please," and she says "yeah," "ball" (baw) and "kitty" (ity).

She's picking up relational skills, too. She can blow kisses and roll a ball back and forth. She hands me books she wants me to read to her, then either climbs in my lap or sits by me and helps turn the pages. She hugs and kisses her stuffed animals and her balls. She really likes balls. (I know you want to snicker, go ahead. Now get over it.) She loves music and "dances" when she hears it, and by dancing, I mean bouncing up and down. When I'm putting her to bed, she starts to hum because she knows I'm about to sing to her. No word yet on when we'll do our first mother/daughter recording, but you'll be the first to know!

This month, her first tooth finally popped through. My siblings and I didn't get teeth until after our first birthdays, so I suspected she might be a late teether. It's nice to see some result of all these months of drooling, pain and intermittent irritability, but that sucker is sharp!

She's standing more on her own, and enjoys pushing her train-walker around, but still prefers to crawl more than anything. She's becoming quite the climber too, so it looks like more baby proofing is in order.

I started giving her grains this month, but most of her diet is still fruits, beans and veggies. She's kind of a ninja when it comes to picking up and eating food off the floor and since we have a pretty active social life, she gets ample opportunity to sample what her playmates drop. You know, come to think of it, they may be working out some kind of deal with all that screeching and babbling they do. I'll have to look into it.

My goal is to wean her after her birthday, and (officially) introduce meat and dairy then, too. Right now, I'm trying to get her to drink out of sippy cups more regularly so I can keep her hydrated once she's weaned. She likes to drink from straws, and commandeers my water bottle whenever she sees it, but it seems to be more of a novelty and less of a way to actually down liquid.

I'm so proud of this girl. We spent three of the last four weeks with John traveling through three time zones to Colorado, Wyoming, Oklahoma, Texas and South Carolina. She did so well on the planes, in hotel rooms, playing with our friends' kids, playing with her cousins, taking naps pretty much on schedule and wasn't even phased by the time zone changes. Of course, it helped having an extra set of hands. I was totally spoiled!

And of course, she loved being with her daddy. If you've met her, you know she loves everyone. I think that's how she approached him at first, like she does everyone else, but by the end of the three weeks, I'm pretty sure they bonded in a special way. She definitely knows who Dada is, even though she still uses that term indiscriminately. Now when we Skype with him, she gets very excited, waves and starts using all her sign language. It's very cute.

Speaking of cute, here are her last 30 days:

Every Day Ayla - Month 10

2011-11-14T23:38:00.000-05:00

Per-son-al-i-ty!

This little miss has tons of it. Month 10 has seen Ayla's expressions of will develop, which has been mostly fun and a little frustrating. I see so much of her dad in her face, but so much of my stubbornness and goofiness in her personality.

There hasn't been a huge increase in mobility since last month. She has gotten much stronger. She pulls up on everything, can cruise, but prefers to crawl, and has even stood wobbly on her own (but I'm not really counting it since it's been for like a mili-second). She can climb up stairs, but I usually don't let her because she doesn't have the patience to go down backwards yet. I am not in a hurry for her to walk, but I have a feeling I don't get a say in it.

She uses signs for "more" and "finished" like a pro, and we're starting to work on "please" and several animals. She loves to clap and give high-fives and wave.

I introduced her to the fork and bowl for eating purposes, and she seems to be getting the concept of utensils. The biggest thing I'm working on right now is to teach her not to throw food on the floor. It was definitely a test of wills, but now I just take it as a sign she's finished with that part of her meal, so I'm helping her express that correctly. She does love to eat, and especially try whatever I'm eating.

I was so excited when she finally started saying "Ma," until I realized she uses it for everything; her favorite cow, when she's upset, me, whatever she's reaching for. But, still. She knows I'm Mama, and when she hasn't seen me for a length of time, she gives the best smile, "up" arms and starts bouncing to come to me.

She owns my heart and knows it!

Here are her last 31 days.

If you look closely, you can see her hair growing!

(I know I teased you about the next blog in the "how we're doing" series, but we're going to have to take a little blog break to spend time with John for the next few weeks (!!!), then I'll pick it back up.)

My Digital Marriage

2011-11-10T23:25:00.000-05:00

It's rather appropriate that my romantic relationship with John started out with flirting over text messages. That led to hours on the phone while we dated long distance from Northern to Southern Virginia, then from Honduras to Virginia. We got a few video chats in back then, but it was 2004 and Skype was nothing like it is now and Steve Jobs and his crew hadn't given us the iPhone or FaceTime yet.

Now we use text messaging, Vonage, Skype, Google Video chat, FaceTime and Tango, besides old-fashioned emails and cell-phones, to keep us in touch.

"In touch." Hmm, that's funny.

Because "touch" is exactly what we do not have, even with all these digits and wires.

You want to stay in touch with your family and friends, but is that really the term you want to use in a marriage? "How are you and John?" "Oh, we're really in touch."

Anyway, this is what we have and this is how we use it.

We get to talk on the phone every day and do video calls several times a week. For the first few weeks I only put the camera on Ayla while we talked, but then I thought he should probably be able to see his wife, even if my hair is a mess. I mean, we have been married for six years and he watched me have a baby, I think he can handle a little frizz. (Okay, a lot of frizz)

I am SO grateful for this technology. (I literally cannot state that any more emphatically, as I used all the basic editing features blogger gives us.) I know many couples with one spouse away don't have the luxury of reliable/constant communication we have, in years past and even today. However, being separate does present challenges to a marriage that can't be ignored without affecting the long-term health of the relationship, and can't be solved merely by using digital communication.

Here are a few main challenges we've encountered in our years of long-distancing (yep, just made that term up) and the work we try to do to stay in front of them:

1) Challenge: Bringing the other person into your world without overburdening them with too much detail or leaving them with not enough information.

Work: Understanding we are living separate lives for the time being and respecting the other person's immersion in their world. I understand that John is working for most of the day and for the few precious moments we talk, that's not what he wants to talk about. He understands that I want to know how he is beyond "good," or "tired," so he tries to think of elements of his work life that would be interesting to me. He'll tell me about the people he works with, the office dynamics, how he feels about a project he's spearheading, and so on. He understands that most of my day is filled with Ayla, and most of what I have to talk about revolves around her. I try to think of more than just her diapers or naps to tell him about. I work to communicate about her in a way that he can stay connected without adding to the weight he's already bearing by being away. We don't have a formula for this, I'm telling you, it's hard work!

2) Challenge: Making the time on the phone/video-chat count.

Work: Letting each day be what it is. Some days, we just don't have much to say, so we just say Hi, I miss you, I love you, talk to you tomorrow. Some days we have to discuss "business" (house stuff, money stuff, car stuff, etc.), so we put that up front. It's not all romantic and deep thoughts. But we have learned that we need those deep talks, too, so we plan and prepare for them. If we have serious relationship issues to discuss, we have to first see if it's something that would be better in person and if it will wait, we table it. If it can't wait, I try to give him heads up that this is something I'd like to talk about in the next few days and see if he'd like to work it out in email or on the phone. I think the key here is being intentional and flexible, and applying lots of grace and consideration for the other person.

3) Challenge: Staying connected spiritually.

Work: Being connected to the Source. I believe we are covered in so much grace for this, but it's still a work on our parts to be submitted to God, live as a citizen of His Kingdom in our respective days and to listen to His voice. This is the hardest challenge, by far, and the most necessary to work at. We try to share about what we're learning from what we're reading or listening to, burdens for prayer, questions we're asking, or stuff we're struggling with. Of course, we can't do any of that if we're not practicing any type of spiritual discipline, which is challenging for everyone (and why it's called a discipline!). I know that I can't do his spiritual work for him, but if I do mine, it benefits him because I'm a healthier person.

I'm sure you've realized the same thing I have in discussing these challenges, that they're the same in same-place marriages! I believe this work is essential for health in any marriage, and we absolutely have to put these things into practice wherever we are.

For people in our situation, though, the need is amplified because we don't have the benefit of touch, of lounging on the couch after a long day's work, or the time together in the car or during a meal. It's not enough for us to just think how wonderful it is that we have Skype or that we get to talk every day, because those things can actually become burdens if we're not working on the relationship that these technologies help connect.

We haven't perfected this by any means. It's still hard and frustrating. It sucks to have to hit "End," and that really be it until the next conversation. But, I think even just being aware of these challenges keeps us proactive against sliding down the easier road of growing apart.

So, I was trying to think of something funny or light-hearted to close with because I feel I got a bit serious up there. (John, you'll just have to forgive me for this.) I have gotten a big kick out of seeing my incredibly strong, manly husband use text lingo like "omg, lol and !!!" these past few months. It seems, even in digits, marriage can be a delightful surprise!

(Next up: I am what I swore I'd never be)

How to tell it- Side Two

2011-11-09T20:46:00.000-05:00

(See Side One here)

I am a hoarder.

Of people.

Seriously, I have more people in my life who love me and whom I love than any one person should be allowed to have.

Just for example, my thank-you list for baby gifts is 74 people long. I don’t know the average, (I could make something up) but that seems really high to me!

These are people who when I asked if someone knew a teenager I could hire to weed my yard, snuck over to do it before I even woke up (a colonel's wife, no less!). Who show up at church with a Starbucks frappuccino for me, just because they were thinking I might need one. (I did!) Who hear that my baby is sick and offer to make me some chicken soup. Who beg to watch Ayla for me so I can go run errands or go out with other people.

(sounds like someone's primary love language has become acts of service)

The people who are related to me, either by genetics, marriage or choice (you know, the fremily type, not to be confused with frenemy) are the dream team of a family. They believe in me, encourage me and forgive far more than you can imagine. (well, several of you reading this are in this category, so I guess you actually can imagine)

This people-hoarder phenomenon became apparent to me in John’s absence. When he was here, after we'd spend time with friends, we used to look at each other and say, “We know the best people in the world!” I had no idea how true that was until this year.

I don't think you really know how good your friends are until you need them.

I think his absence also paints a sort-of target on me that makes me more visible to others, more a subject needing friendship and support. I haven't always been super comfortable being on the receiving end of that, but I am learning the joy of being receptive to such things.

Because he’s gone, I’ve been able to travel across town and across country with Ayla to visit lots of these people. I've stayed in your homes, eaten your food, thrown poopy diapers away in your trashcans. I marvel at the friendships that have seemingly bloomed from nowhere (like a Craigslist ad) and others that flourish under newly-available intentionality.

Every night when I put Ayla to bed, I start our prayer by thanking God for the people we've been able to see or talk to that day. And almost every day since John's been gone, one of your names have come across my lips.

“Wait a minute!” you’re thinking. “Why is she talking about people when she’s supposed to be talking about the other side of the coin today?”

This IS the other side of the coin. On this side there is an image of me (still holding the drooling baby girl) surrounded by this great cloud of iron witnesses/supporters/cheerleaders.

I am not alone.

Oh, and I have an amazing daughter.

This may have been selfish of us, but we prayed for an easy baby. God went over and above that with her. I know He gave us the daughter we needed and threw in a bunch of features to bless others as well. She is healthy, sweet, funny, outgoing and pretty stinking cute.

I write about her more than anything else, so I won’t belabor it here, but my gratitude that I get to spend all day most days with this precious gift pulses through me as steadfastly as my own blood.

(Ok, maybe I will write just a little bit more about her)

I do dread the day in the future when she doesn’t think I’m the greatest thing in the world. When she’s too cool for me, when I embarrass her, when she knows more than I do, when I disappoint or fail her, you know, when she’s a teenager. I don’t think anything I do this year or ever will guarantee we will always have a perfect relationship. What I do know is that this is a special time. These days, even without John, are gifts. I feel like the luckiest person on the planet.

And of course, there’s God.

(my atheist readers will just have to skip ahead)

At the end of John’s gospel he wrote that if each thing that Jesus had done on the earth were to be written about, the world could not contain all the books. I know he’s using hyperbole to make a point, but I can relate terms of recording what God is doing in me during this separated year. I don’t know how much of it I will be able to or want to write about.

What I can tell you now is that He is here.

He is loving. He is active. He is in control. He is generous and comforting. What I know most of all, though, right now, is that He is here.

So on one side of the coin there is Absence and on the other there is all this

Presence.

I can’t be thankful for just one side and hate the other. It is all the same thing.

Of course, what I have in Presence with me will remain when John is home. But my sense of these Presences is heightened because of his absence.

Joy and pain, gratitude and sorrow. These are not opposites. They are notes in a chord. Threads of a cord. They are inseparable and necessary for me this year.

This is how I am doing.

I am okay. I miss John. I am blessed.

(Join me tomorrow for My Digital Marriage.)

How to tell it- Side One

2011-11-08T15:22:00.000-05:00

Their eyes would find me. They’d stop what they were doing to come close.

Voices dropped, nearly whispered,

“How are you do-ing?”

You know the scene. You were probably in it.

The first few weeks after John left, I started to dread this scene because it happened all the time. Several times a day, sometimes, when I was in a group.

In a group of friends. Who love me. Who were there for me. Who were there for me when I cried.

Which is what I did every time someone asked me that.

(Can I just tell you, I hate crying in front of people!)

It wasn’t that I was doing so horrible at that moment that tears just burst out. It was that talking about it, making the words come out--which made it even more real than just living it--was hard.

Hell, (can I say that here?) living it was hard. Trying to express myself in a soundbite was hard enough to make me cry.

“I’m ok. I miss him,” I’d choke out.

And then quickly laughing to break the sadness of the moment, adding “But we’re good. We’re so blessed.”

I get about here in telling this story and I vacillate. There are two parts of the story to tell. It’s a well-worn coin twisted round and round between my fingers, dropped on the floor, lost in pockets, but always there, each side as real as the other.

On one side is an image of me with empty arms. Well, one arm is actually full of a baby girl who probably has some piece of me or her in her mouth.

(But, see, even there I am showing you part of the other side already.)

It’s important to tell this, though. I doubt I’ll ever forget it, but this, as hard and not-awesome as it is, is part of the fabric. Like the tearful-but-beautiful years of infertility, this time isn’t something to be rushed through or just “hung in there.”

I do miss my John. Severely. I do feel quite empty without him.

My life is supposed to have him in it, he’s supposed to be here in this house, with me. He’s supposed to come home at the end of the day and kiss me. He’s supposed to help me unload the groceries from the car. He’s supposed to be standing by me at church and slip his arm around me and squeeze my shoulder and in that, tell me everything.

I clench and flex my fists, trying to work the pain of emptiness away. I squeeze my eyes shut tight, because maybe when I open them this will be over. I try to mute that track that plays over and over, screaming in my mind,

“I don’t like this! I want him here! This isn’t right!”

I hold our daughter and ache for him not being able to do the same.

You can’t look at Ayla for very long without smiling, though, and as my mouth turns up, that coin starts its rotation again.

(Tune in tomorrow for Side Two)

Some blogs about how we're doing

2011-11-07T19:55:00.000-05:00

Hi there. I know, I know, it's been a while since you've seen a post up in here.

I stop blogging for a few weeks and my home state has record-breaking earthquakes. Andy Rooney went off the air, then died (uh, maybe I should take that as a lesson...?). Some kouple got married AND divorced. And some other stuff happened too, I think.

I also realized there's a certain topic missing from what I've written about lately. John's been gone almost five months and I haven't really talked about how we're doing.

It's hard for me to articulate. I'm going to write about it, though, because 1) I need to write to get some of this processed, 2) I wouldn't be worth my salt as a writer if I can't communicate the tough stuff like this, and 3) he's coming back for his first three-week break next week and you know I won't be blogging while he's here!

When we were planning for this year apart, I thought one of the things I would do superlatively more of is write. I thought about starting a separate blog just to deal with the topic of long-distance marriage and parenting. I'm sure there are plenty of military spouse and single parenting type of blogs, but I don't read any of them and I thought our experiences this year would make for some pretty interesting reading.

Instead of doing that, I'm just being. I'm being a single-ish mom. I'm being a long-distance wife. I'm being a friend.

I'm taking pictures of and writing a little about my baby, but part of what I haven't really been being is a writer. And I really want to be a writer.

So, I'm turning back to the digitized version of the blank, potential-filled legal notepad and sharpened pencil and turning thoughts into words and phrases. I'm going to share a little bit about what life has been like for us in the past few months over the coming week. I hope you'll join me.

(I'm not going to put all the links to these posts on Facebook and Twitter, so please either follow or subscribe so you don't miss any. Thanks.)

A Poster post

2011-10-24T19:54:00.000-04:00

Dreams come. True.

2011-10-18T23:59:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I read about dreams:
following your dreams
dreaming big
daring to dream

and I wonder

Whatever happened to my dreams?

Have I completely forgotten about them?

Am I waiting for something to change or just happen

for them to come to pass?

Am I using my gifts and talents,

or are they getting moldy

underneath piles of burpcloths

or lost in the kitchen sink

with the soggy remains

of a baby's "dinner?"

http://www.ginnyfiler.com/ayla

And then I hear myself

in the middle of singing

the twentieth song

I've made up that day

for my baby daughter

and I realize

(rock star. mom.)

Every Day Ayla - Month 9

2011-10-12T15:31:00.000-04:00

If I felt like she grew fast in months past, I feel like she added turbo boost this month. Some skills she developed this month are:

-pincer grasp

-opening and closing things (like the toy laptop in the pictures above)

-understands "no," but doesn't always obey (yet!)

-pulls up to knees

-pulls up to feet (yesterday!)

-beginning to cruise

-clapping

-This

-eating with spoon (assisted)

-rolling ball

-blowing through mouth

-sticking out her tongue (I keep laughing at her, so she keeps doing it)

Speaking of her tongue, this month she discovered licking. She still has no teeth and still puts everything in her mouth and chews on most everything, but she now also licks it. My mother-in-law told me that babies experience the world mostly through their mouths and fingers, and I've seen this in that she wants to touch and feel everything.

Then there's my face. So the licking and the touching, and my face. I think I need my full-face helmet!

We have been having so much fun trying different foods and adding seasonings like cinnamon and cumin to it. For mushy things like hummus or applesauce, I put a little on a spoon and hand it to her to put in her mouth. She gets it in there, then "hands" the spoon back for more. We're still working on that part of it, but she seems to enjoy eating like Mommy does. She says something like "na na na" when she sees food and is getting impatient to eat. We're also working on the signs for "more" and "finished," but she gets her point across! She hasn't met many foods she doesn't like, but she won't give white-flesh potatoes or cauliflower the time of day.

As you know, sleep is always a moving target (pun intended, see last blog). We dropped the 3rd nap and moved bedtime up to 6:30. That seems to be working well, and even if she goes down later, she's still up around 6 to eat. Since yesterday, when she learned how to stand up in her crib, she has just done that instead of taking her morning naps. I'm hopeful the novelty will wear off soon and she'll get back together with it. They were really cute together.

We went for her 9-month check-up today and here are the stats:

Weight-17lb 6.5oz (25th percentile)

Length-26.5in (25th percentile)

Head circumference-mumbled and jotted down by doctor, but not heard by mommy (so, perfect)

Our doctor said it's not unusual for babies' growth to slow down when they get mobile and that Ayla was healthy and developing well, so she had no concerns. Well, that's not exactly true. She was concerned about how wet the ear pieces of her stethoscope were after Ayla gave them a thorough oral inspection. (I know--gross. What can I do, though, she's so cute!)

She talks, laughs and sings all the time. I think she knows her name and she always smiles really big when we talk about Daddy. She gets to talk to him on Skype or FaceTime a few times a week, and hears his voice whenever he calls when she's awake. She loves looking at pictures of him in her chewable picture book and started beaming when she saw a picture of us in the living room.

I have since moved the picture, it was a little too tempting there.

Look, I know I'm biased, but she is one of the happiest, well-mannered babies I've ever met. I have confirmation of this from everyone who spends time with her, from the ladies in the gym nursery to the ladies in the church nursery. Well, I guess that's just nursery workers. But I'll take their word for it!

I'm so blessed that she's my daughter and most days I feel like the luckiest person in the world! Here are the last 30 days:

PS- Notice how awesome the "9" pictures at the top and the every-day picture from 4 days ago are? They were taken by my friend, the talented Ginny Filer and are part of her 9-month photo shoot. You can see the rest here, and like her page on Facebook. I cannot recommend her strongly enough for all of your photography needs!

My Nightly Entertainment

2011-10-10T20:56:00.000-04:00

I posted a status on Facebook a while back saying something to the effect of, "I love watching my daughter discover the world around her. Who needs TV?"

Of course, this was back before all my ~~friends~~ shows came back on.

One of my friends jokingly said I was watching "Ayla TV." When she started crawling, I borrowed a video monitor, so now I have a literal Ayla TV to watch alongside my other one.

Since my last blog was a question about her sleep, I thought I'd bridge from that to what's coming on Wednesday (her 9 months of every day pics, just in case you couldn't guess) by sharing what's entertaining me tonight.

And. She's. Out.

A sleep question

2011-09-28T13:14:00.000-04:00

I was going to post this as a status on Facebook for my tribe there to chime in, but it would've been way too long. I hope they/you will still comment here or there so everyone can get the benefit of my awesome readers' collective wisdom.

First, before my question, a little about Ayla's sleep habits.

She's typically a good sleeper. I put her down awake, but sleepy and she goes to sleep on her own. She doesn't need any type of swing, vibration, blanky, stuffed animal, just her pacifier. She sleeps for about 10-11 hours at night (I'm working with her to get it to 12, but I'm happy with 11!), and takes three naps a day, usually for an hour or longer. So, pretty easy as that goes.

Lately, though, it takes her no less than 40 minutes to actually go to sleep from when I put her down. She plays (throws her pacifier around and crawls around to get it, pulls up, rolls/crawls around, does yoga, whatever), talks and just minimally fusses for that time, and when she finally falls asleep it's like she's just run out of batteries. The only time I go in to intervene is when her distressed cry tells me she's thrown the pacifier outside of the crib and I go replace it with no interaction. If she sees me, she thinks it's time to get up and play.

I thought I could read her signs of sleepiness to even start putting her down; yawning, rubbing eyes, getting still and quiet, and so on. I've started a pre-nap ritual to signal it's time to sleep, not play. It doesn't matter if she nurses or not. I can't find any factors to change anymore than I have. It's pretty consistently 40 minutes.

So, what do you think?
-Is this 40 minutes excessive, normal, just a phase?
-Am I putting her down too soon or too late in the sleepiness window?
-Is this one of those things where every baby is different and I should just roll with it?

Before you answer, please consider:
-I don't need recommendations for a book to read, just your experience-based advice! (thanks!)
-I've read and am reading Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy Child and basically agree with the philosophies therein.
-She does not sleep in my arms as a general rule. I wish she would. Very rarely she'll fall asleep after nursing, but only for a few minutes, then it still takes 40 minutes to go to sleep.

This is her right now. Run right out of steam!

Every Day Ayla - Month 8 (a few days late)

2011-09-14T22:05:00.000-04:00

As I was going through the pictures for this month's every day collage, I noticed that too many of them were blurry. It wasn't intentional, but it does represent our month of traveling through 11 cities in three states and that she never stops moving because now

She's crawling!!

There, that's about it for this month's update. (Ha ha!) (But seriously..)

While we were in Tulsa last month, my sister-in-law, Victoria (Solo's mom), showed Ayla how to get from rocking on all fours to sitting position. The day after that she was doing it like a pro, and the day after that she was crawling. Like it was no big deal. She likes being mobile, and is already starting to try to pull up!

She's doing great with self-feeding, having expanded her repertoire to seasoned or flavored food (veggies pulled out of curry, lo mein, sandwiches, whatever I'm eating). To my absolute delight, she LOVES hummus and guacamole. It's a little hard for her to eat since she wants to feed herself and doesn't know how to use a spoon yet, but we get it in there!

I got her a sippy cup, but she pushed it out of the way in preference for my water bottle, so we went straight to using a straw. She has her own "water bottle" now.

Last month, we started using cloth diapers, G Diapers, to be exact. I really like them. I'm not sure what Ayla thinks of them, just that she thinks every time she's getting her diaper changed is a chance to twist herself into unimaginable contortions and test mommy's patience!

As babies tend to do, she changes and develops new and better skills every day. I'm sure she's changed even while I've been typing this!

Here are her every day pictures for her eighth month:

PS. Have you seen Solo's video yet? Want to watch it again?

Even a hero needs help sometimes

2011-09-05T13:02:00.000-04:00

First, hello!

How have you all been?

I know it's been a little quiet around here, but that's mostly because I haven't been in much of a quiet setting lately. Ayla and I have been on a whirlwind tour of Texas, Oklahoma and now California. So far, we've been with all of her grandparents, cousins, uncles and all but one of her aunts.

(I know, I owe you tons of pictures.)

It's actually one of those cousins I'm thinking about today. If you've been here a while, you know all about Solomon. He's my brother's current youngest son and is turning 4 next week.

You know what? Written words aren't going to suffice here. Would you take a few minutes and watch this video?

Just a little bit about his special school. The Little Light House provides him and his friends a completely specialized education worth about $30,000 a year for exactly no cost to their families. They are able to do this because of generous donors, since they receive no funding from the government.

Their big fundraiser of the year is coming up on Sept 24, and we all get to participate! Exciting, right?

So, here's what you do:
1) Watch the video (again)
2) Go to Solomon's page and sponsor him
3) Share the video

Last year's video got more than 5,500 views and we blew their fundraising goal out of the water.

Are you ready to do it again? If you don't have any money, that's ok. You can still help by forwarding this blog or just the video on to everyone you know. Thanks!

Every Day Ayla - Month 7

2011-08-12T16:53:00.000-04:00

(You saw this coming, with all the seven related posts I was doing, right?) (and also because you knew today is the 12?)

I know we used the blue flower in last month's pics, too, but it just went so well with her outfit today!

My little girl continues to be a delight, and is slowly upping the ratio of challenge to fun, but it's all good. Just when I think I know what I'm doing, she changes things up, so I'm trying to learn to just roll with it.

Her current skills are getting up on all fours and rocking, easily rolling over both ways, scooting backwards on purpose, and sitting without props. I even found her sitting in her crib one day, which means she got that way by herself, but she hasn't repeated the trick yet.

The self-feeding is going well. Cucumbers seem to be her favorite right now, as well as any sweet fruit, although I have given her sweet potatoes, red potatoes, avocados and green beans which she has tolerated.

She mostly just plays with the food, but she manages to get some of everything in her mouth and, eh hem, um, evidence suggests that it's making it through her system. I'm more or less following the guidelines here for a timeline of introducing different foods to her. She's still nursing 5 times a day, and tracking right along with the 50th percentile for her age for weight and height, so I'm not too concerned about her actually eating food yet.

She has discovered that she can make noise by banging things together, so she's added that to what she does to almost everything as well as still putting it in her mouth. I haven't seen any teeth yet, but she seems to be working hard on it every day.

She's still very social, and seems to especially like big kids and men. I have started putting her in the nursery at church and they love her there. We also have moved her "up" to a rear-facing convertible car seat, which has been 99% fuss-proof. I'm just wondering why I didn't do this sooner!

Oh, and if you saw the video I posted a few days ago you already know this, but the absolute best thing right now is the kisses! She both initiates and complies to requests for kisses, which are all open mouth and drooly, but wonderful and sweet! I'm sure baby saliva is good for the complexion, right?

Well, that's about it. Here's my girl!

7 things to do when you're feeling wobbly

2011-08-11T23:36:00.000-04:00

1) Cry

2) Write down a few things you're thankful for

3) Pray for (or think about) someone else going through a hard time

4) Do something for someone else

5) Read the news to widen your view of the world

6) Read something old (the Bible, poetry) to deepen your view of time

7) Smile

7 things Ayla will thank me for

2011-08-10T23:02:00.000-04:00

reading/watching/listening to. (that's the full title, but it seemed too long to put in the title box.)

Here are a few things (in no particular order) I've found online that I do believe help or have helped me to be an awesome mom (so far):

Hilarious mommy blog

http://www.rantsfrommommyland.com/

This blog is like the blog-world version of chips and salsa for me. In other words, I can’t get enough of it! The two moms who write it are witty, sarcastic as all get out, a little irreverent and champions for everything you wish you could say, but they just say it better.

Awesome mommy podcast

http://threemomsandapodcast.podbean.com/ (or find them on iTunes)

These three moms from Tulsa have a wealth of knowledge, advice and humor that obviously have served them well as they raise a total of 10 kids from 3 different countries. The podcasts run a little long, usually about an hour, but I find myself literally laughing out loud and talking back to them, as if they can hear me ‘cause we’re all just sitting around having coffee! They also have a Facebook fan page, so you can join that and discuss to your heart’s content!

Totally addicting sales website/email

www.babysteals.com

Unlike the plethora of sales and brands on Zulily, this site offers just two deals a day, at 9am and 9pm MDT. They only send out an email for the 9am deal, so as not to crowd your inbox. I have liked them on Facebook, too, so I see the evening deal as soon as they post it. This is where I get the adorable Baby Legs leg warmers everyone compliments Ayla on. All the goods are handled through Google checkout, so it’s really easy to order, even from my mobile browser and they usually ship it out that day. (I mean, FOUR Aden+Anais swaddle blankets for $27.99? Come on!!)

Inspiring, influential pieces:

Sarah Kay’s “If I should have a daughter”

http://www.ted.com/talks/sarah_kay_if_i_should_have_a_daughter.html

This TED talk was sent to me by my wonderful mother-in-law. The whole video is just over 18 minutes long, and it’s all good, but the title poem is in the first 3:41 minutes. I could watch it over and over! (and have, actually!)

Tina Fey’s “Prayer for My Daughter”

http://www.parents.com/blogs/goodyblog/2011/05/tina-feys-a-mothers-prayer-for-her-daughter/

Do I really need to explain why this is one of my favorites? Most of the websites which posted it say it is from her book, Bossypants, but since I haven’t read the book yet (sorry, BFF, I’ve been a bit busy!) I can’t verify that. There are a few PG-13ish words in it, so don’t read it out loud to your parroting children.

Ann VosKamp’s “a prayer for a daughter”

http://www.aholyexperience.com/2011/08/a-prayer-for-a-daughter

I’ve posted about her before, but she’s just that good, I had to use her again!

Lacey Keigley’s view on big families

http://www.soeveryday.com/2010/11/08/big-benefits/

I don’t think I’ve mentioned Lacey's blog yet, but she’s one of my favorites. Her family of six kids is a mix of adopted and birthed children. This post resonates with me, partly because I always wanted to have a ton of kids and partly because even if I don’t, I want to raise the ones I get with the essential lesson she writes about here.

And, you're welcome, baby girl, you're welcome!

Modeling the Baby Legs, mastering the pop-up animals

PS. Happy Birthday to my niece Princess Avrah, who has been blazing the way for princesses in our family for five years! I love you! (Blog her mommy wrote for her today) (Blog I wrote for her two years ago)

My 7 Celebrity BFFs

2011-08-09T21:51:00.000-04:00

There's a scene in in the movie, Notting Hill, where Hugh Grant's character's sister meet's Julia Roberts' character (a movie star named Anna) and gushes over her saying something like, "I've always felt that we would be best friends if we ever got to know each other."

I can totally relate! Y'all know how awesome I am at actually meeting celebrities, but I still suffer the delusions that I would actually be friends with some of them if we ever had the chance to get to know each other.

Here are my top 7 (in no particular order):

Julia, of course

Tina Fey

Amy Poehler

Ellen DeGeneres

Pink

Jennifer Garner

Christina Applegate

How about you? Have you ever thought about this, even? Do I totally have too much time on my hands?

Just try not to smile

2011-08-09T17:11:00.000-04:00

She was blowing raspberries and squealing at the curtain until I turned the camera on her. Can a baby be vain? Let's just call it strong self esteem!
(And I just love the way she kisses me now, which you can briefly see!)

Ayla Look-Alikes Revealed

2011-07-22T16:54:00.000-04:00

Today has been so hot, it's time for something cool! (hardy-har-har)

Did you see Monday's post about the Ayla look-alikes? If not, go check it out and make your guess before coming back here to see who is who.

I asked people to comment on which match-up was the most similar and also to guess which three were NOT blood relatives. Only a few people took on the second part of the challenge, and none of them got it right.

However, 100% of the people who selected a match picked the same one!

Here's the big reveal:

My awesome friend, Jen.
(I don't have any pictures of her holding Ayla, but she does--
all the time!)

Her Daddy, of course

My long-time friend, Kari, was the hands-down winner.
We have been told several times we look like sisters.
I take that as the highest compliment.

Yours truly! (Christina, you were right!)

Her Aunt Kim (John's sister)

Her little gal-pal, Charissa, who is two weeks younger

So, what have we learned from this?

That when people say "She looks just like you," they really mean, "She looks just like your friend, Kari!"

(And I'm ok with that!)

Have a great weekend!

My Parenting Philosoph-ease

2011-07-19T22:38:00.000-04:00

When Ayla was two months old, I told John I was going to blog about what I was doing as a mother to get such an awesome baby. I had many friends expecting their first babies as well, and I thought I would do them a service by offering my wisdom gained from my vast parenting experience.

He suggested I maybe wait until she was six months old, just to make sure she was still an awesome baby (and still alive) and then it would probably be okay to offer my wisdom.

(Yeah, so he's really the wise one in this parenting partnership, but this is my blog, so there!)

Henceforth, she is six months old and still alive and still an awesome baby, thusly shall I share my wisdom. Do you have a pen and paper to take copious notes?

But for real, I am so glad I didn't try to write about this back then because almost everything I would've said then wouldn't be what I would say now. So, I'm not really going to try to offer advice, but I think it's safe to share some of my philosophies because those haven't changed so much.

(I don't know if I even need this disclaimer, but just in case: I don't think this is the best or only "correct" way to think about these things, they are just the way I think about them, so take them for whatever that is worth to you! Thanks!)

Two questions or scenarios I try to think about when researching, then choosing a method for anything baby-related are:
1) What do mothers or families in other parts of the world do about ____, especially those without the same access to the resources and information I have?
2) What have mothers or families in generations past done about _____, ditto?

(And really, I think about these two aspects of just about everything in life, not just when it comes to parenting.)

I have found these questions help to broaden my perspective from what this or that blog or website or currently much recommended or much loathed book says to do or not to do. I don't get so wrapped around a certain method or style, because in the back of my mind I'm thinking, "There are about a billion people in India and I doubt many of them have read or heard this _____, so it must not be as complicated or absolute as this _______ is making it seem."

Now, of course, I am SO grateful for the knowledge of those gone before and that of my peers, the access to the amazing resources I am blessed to be able to use and so on. And obviously, we (our society/generation) are doing a better job in general at keeping our babies alive, so I'm not kicking it all to the curb. It's just that the American Medical Association recommends different things than the Australian or British version of the same. So, since they/we didn't invent childbirth or child-rearing, and mothers and families have been doing it pretty successfully for as many centuries as you believe this earth is old, I just keep those two "filters" on and go from there.

That wasn't too bad, now, was it? I have a few other thoughts I'll pepper in amongst the Ayla pictures and single-ish-mom stories, too, and I hope to have you along for the ride.

What are your thoughts on these or other philosophies? Are they even really philosophies? Is there a better word for them? Were you hoping I'd put at least one Ayla picture in this blog?

Ok, here.

:-)

Who does she look like?

2011-07-18T20:43:00.000-04:00

One of the fun (or "fun") things about having a baby is other people's comments about who he or she looks like. We try to see if they look like their mom or dad. There's the inevitable comparisons to grandmas or grandpas or other blood relatives.

What I did not expect is that people who are not related to me think Ayla looks like they did, even to the point of sending me baby pictures to prove it. So, I have a little poll or guessing game for you.

Here are a selection of these comparisons, in no particular order, "Ayla-look-alike?" on the left and Ayla on the right.

Leave me a comment with which letter you think looks the most like her, and then, try to guess which three are NOT related to her by blood. But, here's the deal. My mom and mother-in-law, and brothers and sisters, and the "look-alikes" themselves will know more about who's who than most, so if that's you, please don't give it away for everyone! Maybe just wait until I reveal who's who on Friday.

Until then, happy voting!

Extreme Makeover-Anna edition

2011-07-14T08:54:00.000-04:00

You need to understand something about me.

I am not afraid of changing my hair color. My mom let me start coloring my hair before she let me get my ears pierced. She changed hair color like you're supposed to change your oil (and still does), so my siblings and I did the same.

That said, one color I had never tried was blonde. I'd done blonde streaks, blonde highlights, but never all-out blonde. For the past several years, I've stayed with pretty much the same brown color because of military regulations. Then I was pregnant and couldn't do much. Since then, I guess I've been waiting until the right moment.

That moment came a few weeks ago when I was visiting family in Tulsa and had the chance to get my hair done by Gail. Gail has been doing my mom's hair since before I was born. She did my hair for all my formals in high school and college and was the first person ever to show me how to straighten it.

When she asked me what I wanted done, I said "I want it short and blonde."

I showed her this picture as inspiration for the cut:

My brother, Tim, says I look like Natalie Portman, so in my dreams, I do.

I started out like this:

Four hours later, I went home looking like this:

Now, obviously, she wasn't done. But my previous color was being very stubborn to come out, and my scalp had so many burns on it from the bleach so we had to take a break. Never fear, I went back the next day and finished:

This was the longest I have ever or will ever spend getting my hair done. It took eight hours total and my hair and scalp were shot. But, I like it. I love the cut and I'm getting used to the color. I don't know how long I'll keep it blonde, but I'm glad I could try it out. I think Gail did a fantastic job with it!

Here's what it looks like curly (in its natural state):

(bonus image of cute husband and baby are free this week)

I also got a new tattoo, courtesy of same brother:

Check out Tim's tattoo shop, Southtown Tats

In case you're new to my blog, my daughter's name, Ayla, means oak tree in Hebrew. So this little oak tree has an Aleph (Hebrew letter A) for branches and a little red Yud (there's no J in Hebrew, so this is the letter most often translated into J for English). It's red because Ayla's birth stone is garnet and it symbolizes a little Jewel (her middle name), though people can think it's a bird, an apple, a butterfly or whatever, because what's a jewel doing in a tree? It's on the inside of my right ankle.

I love it and think it was worth every bit of the pain. Actually compared to pre-epidural, pitocin-induced labor and having my scalp on fire for 8 hours, I barely could consider it pain at all!

(PS. John loves both changes. He pretty much just loves me and is happy when I'm happy!)

(PPS. Coincidentally, Natalie Portman just named her baby boy Aleph. Hmmm...)

The Six-Month Update

2011-07-13T15:55:00.000-04:00

I maybe should've written this post yesterday morning when the world was new and we were all happy and smiles and excited about being six months old. Today, this photo from our "fun" little session yesterday afternoon expresses my feelings, too:

Some days are just hard, you know? (This one was hard because of teething-induced fussiness and neither of us being used to that.)

Regardless, I will plant my flag in the ground of gratitude and press on.

Two words that could sum up Ayla's development this month are Noise and Motion.

She's been babbling for a few months now, but this past month she has been exploring the range of her vocal chords, and seems to have an affinity for the very high part of that range. She makes some very cute noises, especially when she has something in her mouth that she uses to make all sorts of word sounds her tongue doesn't know how to do yet. Even as I write this, I'm loving the happy song sounds coming through the monitor as she plays in her crib. There are also some very not cute noises, my least favorite being this new grunting/squeal she just started when she's frustrated or unhappy.

The girl loves, no, LOVES to jump. When we were visiting her cousins in Oklahoma, they showed her that she could bounce in the jumper, not just stand there and chew on things, and now she does it like it's what she was put on this earth to do.

She's also scooting around on her belly, mostly backwards but she can angle to the side, too. She gets up on her hands and then her feet, but hasn't put it together yet. I think all the jumping has really strengthened her back and now she can do this:

(she can do it for a few seconds, but she can do it!)

Last month, I blogged about how I had started swaddling her again because of the constant rolling over when I put her to bed. She has since learned how to roll back to her belly, but hasn't shown too much of an interest in doing that yet. She also started breaking out of every swaddle strategy I tried, and she took being put down swaddled as a challenge. Last week, I quit swaddling and now just let her fidget and fuss for a few minutes before conking out, which seems to be working well.

My wise friend, Elizabeth, advised me that every new skill would impact her sleeping habits for a while, so I'm aiming to be flexible with my approach while giving her every opportunity to develop healthy sleep habits.

Finally, we closed out her first half-birthday with a first taste (I would say "bite" but I don't know if she got that far) of solid food.

mmm...sweet potatoes

I'm trying the "baby-led weaning" approach, which is mostly a misnomer because it is neither baby-led nor weaning (yet), but the idea is that you start with soft solids right off the bat instead of spoon-fed cereal--->purees--->mush--->solids, and you let the child eat as much or little as he or she chooses. That's where the baby-led part comes in. The theory, as I understand it, is that this prevents food from becoming a control struggle between feeder and fed.

So, it's something we'll try and if it works for us, great, and if not, we'll try something else! I'll let you know how it goes.

Every Day Ayla - Month Six (!!)

2011-07-12T23:57:00.000-04:00

Reading up on what it means to be 6 months old

Here's a little video I made of her progress over the last 6 months. If you've got about 3 minutes, I think you'll really enjoy it!

Since it's so late, I'll post the regular "here's how she's doing" info tomorrow. (Hey, she was born almost at the end of the day, so I just follow her lead!)

A Letter from Daddy (Part 2)

2011-06-30T12:13:00.000-04:00

(Read the first part here)

...

First, the comfortable, easy and safe road is not always the right one. To choose a path based on what feels best is to serve oneself – which is not how we are designed to live. If you serve only your needs, you’ll never grow, you’ll never experience God’s best for you, and you’ll miss out on many of life’s most precious rewards. This is as true for an individual as it is for a family. The rain is sweetest when you are parched. Being with those you love is more delightful when you’ve missed them dearly.

Another twist on the same truth is to see the difference between peace and safety. This German guy I’ll teach you a lot about said this: “There is no way to peace along the way of safety. For peace must be dared. It is the great venture. It can never be safe. Peace is the opposite of security. To demand guarantees is to want to protect oneself. Peace means to give oneself altogether to the law of God, wanting no security, but in faith and obedience, laying the destiny….in the hand of the Almighty God, not trying to direct it for selfish purposes.”

The second thing is this: I am not your ultimate Provider. It is true that I am a primary conduit of provision for you, for now. It is a magnificent and humbling privilege to be entrusted with your life. But I do not have within me all that you need. Though I will want to, I will not always be there when you need me. I will not always say or do the right things. But your heavenly Father will never fail you. He is your True Source and He is always enough. As long as you abide in Him, you will lack nothing. In fact, all that I have comes from Him, and so everything I give to you, I give from what He has given to me. (The same is true, as it turns out, between your mom and me.)

This doesn’t absolve me of the responsibility to care for you, to be with you, and to teach you the ropes – and I pledge my life to do this with all that I am. But as we embark on this year on opposite sides of the world, I do so with the certainty that God will provide all that you need, and more. I even pray that out of our sacrifice, we will be blessed in ways that we cannot now imagine.

You are such a precious gift. I cherish you and adore you and am so thankful for you. I hope you will understand, one day, all that I am saying. I ask you to forgive me where I fall short, and for the costly time we are apart. I pray a Father’s blessing over you. I pray your days, especially over this next year, are filled with the greatest joys and that you have all that you need. I pray that your body grows and develops as it should, that you are healthy and safe from all harm. I know that you will do a great job taking care of mommy.

Don’t stop laughing and smiling, and bringing joy to everyone you meet.

I love you more than you can now know. I miss you and can’t wait to see you soon.

Your Daddy

A Letter from Daddy

2011-06-30T00:52:00.001-04:00

Dear Daughter,

I like the idea of being the first boy to write you a letter. That’s cool. I beat all them other suckers to the punch. (That aint all I’ll beat them suckers to either, if need be.) I have so much to say to you; so much on my mind and in my heart that I want you to know. About me, about life, God, relationships, your mom, your history and future. About boys and hunting and camping and guns (your mom can teach you about the girly stuff). About what’s right and wrong and good and fun and bad. But, we’ve got lots of time for all of that.

Or do we?

I pray we do. I dream of taking you on dates, just me and you. I can see us now, cruising down the open road on my Harley, or doing just about whatever you want to be doing – as long as we are together. I look forward to talking with you about the things in life that matter most, whether you are five for 15 or 25. I hope and deeply long for these rich days ahead, but I also know what I don’t know: what tomorrow holds.

No one knows what tomorrow or this week or this month or year has in store. Life is full of surprises, unexpected twists and turns, challenges and hardships, mountains and valleys. I thought I would only get to be with you for one month after you were born. But these nearly six months of your smiles and laughs and not-so-smelly (yet) diapers have been just marvelous. You are so incredible, more so than your mom and I could have ever dreamed. So chill, so fun to be with, full of smiles and cute noises and love for everyone.

You see, our expectation for tomorrow or next week is based on our very limited and incomplete perspective. Most people aren’t that aware of this fact most of the time. We like to plan things out, to know (and decide) what’s next. Not knowing (or not controlling) the future makes most folks uneasy. But actually, we have no idea what is next whether we think we do or not, and we can learn the beauty in this Arrangement. We are Designed to trust the Maker of Days to arrange for life. He is good, and trustworthy, and kind. Together, I hope you and I can learn to truly abide and have full Joy in the each of our days: never presuming for tomorrow, but always in expectant hope for His goodness.

With your half-birthday just two weeks away, I am about to leave you and your mom for a little while. Gulp. A year to be exact, minus three glorious three-week vacations. Though I don’t think you’ll remember missing me, I know you will. I know I will miss you. Oh boy do I know. It hurts to leave. Even now, I already have a tinge of regret for the precious days of your first year that will pass without me. Your first words, first steps and so much more. You are growing so much day-to-day, week-to-week.

Why? Why does your daddy have to leave? Why can’t someone else go? Why can’t we have a normal life in an average town and just be together? These are good questions, and ones that I ask in some of the more frequent wavering moments I’ve had lately. Some days, I don’t want to be who I am. I don’t want to leave. I just want to be with you and your mom. Sure, this journey is full of adventure and travel and challenge and gratification, but it comes with a heavy dose of hardship and heartache, mainly from missing you and your mom.

The answers to these "why" questions pull me in two directions. On one side, I long to be a faithful dad and husband. I must provide for you physically, emotionally, spiritually. I am supposed to teach you many things, and raise you to love people and God. On the other side, it seems, the path in front of me is taking me away from you, and from my ability to do these things. There’s important work to be done, and someone has to do it. This world you are growing up in is a mess, and I have the opportunity, in some small way, to help make it a better place. To do this, requires sacrifice not just for me, but for our family. This position between the two ends is not a comfortable or easy place to be.

It boils down to two things that I hope one day you’ll understand.

(To be continued...)

The Wait of the World

2011-06-28T12:03:00.000-04:00

That day we were waiting for finally came.

We had our last date. We had our last kiss. We whispered I Love Yous through tears. We waved goodbye as he slowly walked away.

Then he turned around. Maybe he changed his mind after all!

Oh, he just forgot his jacket. Okay then, another last hug and kiss.

Deep breath. He's gone.

Another day three months from now takes its place in the "waiting for" slot.

(There is always something there.)

--------------

One of my ~~requirements~~ requests for John before he left was to write a guest post. Be sure to tune in tomorrow for that!

(<-------You can subscribe via email on the left over there or "follow" or add me to your reader. I don't always post the links on Twitter and Facebook, so these are the ways to never miss a post.)

2011-06-20T18:18:00.000-04:00

I don't want to blog. I want to sleep. I want to hug my husband. Heck, I'd take talking to him right now!

But, I opened the new post window, so I should write something.

I guess the thing is that I write sometimes to keep my family updated on my life. And now I'm sitting down to meals with them and playing with the kids and it's all just here and now, not something I have to think about too much.

But I don't want the days to pass in a lazy haze and writing helps tie me down, helps me remember.

Do you ever wrestle with in-the-moment living and capturing the moments so you can re-live them?

Ayla's not worried about it. Just loving having new mouths to put her fingers in!

Embracing Grandma, Pho, ice-cream and a really cute nephew!

2011-06-16T20:14:00.000-04:00

Well, I was going to link up with someone for Embrace the Camera, since it's Thursday and I got some cute photos, but nobody seems to be hosting it.

Oh well, here are the photos anyway!

{Clockwise from the top left: Ayla with her Grandma C; Grandma C and Jaden experiencing Pho and Pad Thai for the first time (check out that Texas sized bowl! I actually saw someone eating it by themselves!); Ayla staring down my yummy ice cream (center); Ayla and her cousin Jaden; me and my bug; and finally, me and the two cutest bugs in Texas}

I think we have entered the phase of not being able to take a picture of Ayla without her fingers in her mouth. She's still pretty cute, though!

Every Day Ayla - Month Five

2011-06-12T23:44:00.000-04:00

I want two versions of my baby. One would be that tiny, snuggly, brand new Ayla, and one would be whatever age she is currently. I love every stage so far and she just keeps getting better, but sometimes I wish I could just hold the little her just a little bit longer. (sigh)

In her fifth month of life, Ayla perfected rolling from belly to back. I've actually got it on video a few times, too! This whole rolling thing affected her sleep, as she would roll from belly to back, wake up and start playing. So, I started swaddling her again, just until she can get back to her belly. She's working very hard at it, but is happy enough to get her feet in her mouth.

And there is always something in her mouth. Her hands, her feet, her burp cloth, my hair. Whatever, really, she's not picky.

There's also usually something coming out of her mouth. I call her Ayla Drool. (Instead of Ayla Jewel, get it?)

She's losing her hair, but I find most of it in the rolls of her neck. It'll be interesting to see what it will look like when it grows back in. Maybe she'll get a little bit of my curl after all.

She's shown much more interest in what I'm eating and drinking, but I'm going to wait until she can sit up before starting her on solids. For now, she is still a great eater, although she has started to chomp when she's done. I hope I can break her of that habit before she gets teeth!

It took her a while, but she finally has mastered her neck control and her new favorite trick is to stand up and put her arms straight out. I just love it!

She does have feet. For that matter, she also has a neck!

She just loves people. When we enter a room, the first person she makes eye contact with usually gets the best smile, but she'll give out more to others after she studies them a bit first. She especially loves big kids. I need to do a whole separate post of her with the 3-5-year-old set of girls who she loves.

I'm excited about our trip to see our family next week. She has doubled in weight since the last time most of them saw her when she was 5 weeks old! And also doubled in chins and cuteness!

See for yourself:

In the first picture here, she's wearing the bonnet I wore as a baby!

(For review, here are the other Every Day posts: 1 and 2, 3 and 4)

Plange of Chans

2011-06-11T20:23:00.000-04:00

I've started putting air quotes around the word "plan" when I think it or say it and real quotes when I write it. It's just that kind of word.

Remember the "plan" I laid out in that blog back in December about Mocha's Big Move? (If not, go ahead and click over there to read it. We'll wait.) Like today's title indicates, almost everything about our reality six months later is different.

Mocha has been happily assimilated into a new life with John's sister's family in Texas. She did have a big move, just not the one we expected.

My nephew Jaden reading Mocha a dinosaur book (her favorite kind).

John finally left this week. But he also didn't go where and when we expected.

We've been waiting on paperwork for his trip since early March. We are still waiting, but in the meantime, he got the opportunity to go to a neighboring country and help out there for a little while. It looks like he'll be there about a month, but by now we know better than to count too much on any "plan!"

We have been so grateful for this extra time for Ayla to bond with her daddy. He was always smitten with her, but now he's gotten to know his little girl a little more and see her grow into the cheerful, chubby baby she is.

She thinks she picked a good daddy!

We do still expect for him to do his one year assignment at some point, we just don't know when. I hesitate to say too much in advance now, because as you have seen, it doesn't hold much weight.

Speaking of weight, Ayla and I are packing our bags for a trip of our own next week. We're going to spend about three weeks with our families in Texas and Oklahoma, which is really going to make this time without John fly by.

My "plan" is to keep blogging while I'm gone, but if it gets a little quiet(er) around here, please don't worry. We're doing well, probably just getting spoiled by grandmas and grandpas and aunts and uncles, or busy playing with cousins or friends. Or just relaxing, watching whatever my mom has on her DVR.

Do you have any fun plans this summer?

One of those days!

2011-06-06T19:16:00.000-04:00

Nope. Not one of those days. One of those days!

Today has been so great, I knew it was a blog post waiting to happen.

Let's begin with Ayla sleeping in. She usually wakes up between 4 and 5 for a dream feed, but today it was closer to 6. Then, usually she wakes up for the day at 8 or 8:30, but today she slept until 10! More sleep=happy mama!

Then, I had to take our car to the dealership to see what was making this weird noise. Even John noticed it and he approved of me taking it in. Normally, we hate the dealership. It doesn't matter if we have an appointment or not, the service will take forever and they always find several hundred dollars worth of additional problems.

Today, I went in without an appointment. When I explained the problem, the nice, young gentleman behind the counter suggested we go for a ride so he could hear it. Of course, just like when you go to the doctor for that mysterious pain that then vanishes when he or she checks, there was no noise as we drove it around.

In what has to be a chances-of-winning-the-lottery type of event, he said there was nothing wrong with the car and no service was needed. Let me be clear. I took my car to the dealership, got immediate help, and not only spent no money, but was also told I didn't need to spend any money for anything!

Riding that high, I took Ayla on a little shopping trip over to Old Navy to spend the Groupon I bought last week ($10 for $20). I found a few cute dresses for her and a baby shower gift on clearance, and found that I fit into a Medium (Happy dance! It has been a long time since M graced my tags! And I don't even care if Old Navy's mediums are really XL and that the item was a pair of stretchy leggings.)

It got better when I got to the register. Did you know that Old Navy gives a 10% military discount on Mondays? I do now! In order to get that discount on my non-Groupon-discounted items, she had to do an additional transaction, so I apologized to the lady behind me. She was totally nice about it and said she'd do the same thing for a bigger discount.

Can I just say that I love having a cute, smiley baby? She opens doors for conversations about things I love. The cashier and I had a great chat about breastfeeding and names and being mommies.

Then, (I know, it just keeps going!) we had to go through Old Town to get home, during which we have a 50/50 chance of stopping at every red light (every block!), but today it was green the whole way.

By now it was time to feed Ayla, so she was letting me know she was hungry. Her communication was getting more and more intense, and by the time we got to Jiffy Lube for an oil change, she had added tears to the mix. The tech who came out to the car talked and played with her while I got the stroller out and another tech came over and started playing, too. They said they were both dads and they knew how it was. They took very good care of us.

While they were working on the car, we walked over to Panera for a yummy lunch. Friendly cashier, complimented Ayla, blah blah blah. I sat down to nurse her while I ate and realized I had left the diaper bag with the nursing cover in the car. I went for it anyway, since I really didn't have a choice! Thankfully, I was able to get a booth and Ayla helped me be discreet instead of her usual "let's play and be noisy while we eat so everyone will know what we are doing!"

And then when I went back to the cashier to buy some bread to take home, I realized I had earned a free pastry with my Panera points, so I got a "free" dessert on top of everything else!

Now, my day is not over yet, but it just keeps being awesome. Even while I was typing this, my friend who lives far away in Montana called and I got to hear about her beautiful baby boy (who just happens to have the same names as my oldest brother, so I have a special affinity for him). Then, I went to get the mail and met a nice new neighbor who is a grandma far away from her grandbabies, and you know what that means!

Let me close by saying this. I'm sorry if you had a bad day or a case of "the Mondays." It's probably because all the good stuff was happening to me. I hope it will be your turn tomorrow!

How was your day?

{Embracing} Another AJ's AJ

2011-06-02T17:01:00.000-04:00

Today is Thursday (I think), so I'm linking up with Emily over at The Anderson Crew for

"Embrace the Camera."

So, here's the picture:

and here's the story:

This is not my daughter, though she is also an AJ and her mom is an AJ. (And she is very edibly cute!)

We met her mom and dad about a year and a half ago at the church we used to attend. The very day we met them, we invited them to go camping with us. That night. Crazy people that they were, they showed up. And brought Alaskan salmon. That they caught.

Needless to say, we bonded real quickly!

Though we changed churches a few months later, we kept our friendship going. We had something very close to our hearts in common. We AJs were both older than our husbands by a few years. (that's not it, though!)

We were on the same seemingly endless journey of desiring for a baby.

Well, you know the end of the story already, but the middle is where the prayers and tears and frustration and heartbreak-filled e-mails were. So, it was and is with much rejoicing that we celebrate this little beauty.

I want for our Ayla Jewel to always know her story, how precious and wanted she is. And part of her story is that we waited. And waited. And it wasn't easy, because waiting for good things rarely is. But we were not alone, as she will never be. So we cry with others in their seasons of "not" and we rejoice when their lights turn green.

And that is why, today, I'm embracing another AJ's AJ.

How about you? Want to join the Embracing party?

Here are the rules:

1. take a picture with you and your kids/spouse/family member/friend/whatever.

2. blog about that picture and include a link to our blog, or grab our button.

3. link your blog post up on mr. linky below.

4. visit the other embracers...give each other lots of compliments about how good we look with our greasy hair and~~sweatpants~~ velour jogging suits on. cause yah, we need a little boost when it's been days since our last shower.

5. have fun!

She makes it so easy!

2011-05-26T17:14:00.000-04:00

Too Do

2011-05-25T00:03:00.000-04:00

My goals for yesterday were:

-blog about Behr
-Work on uploading/editing pictures from all of Ayla's life so far
-clean the living room
-unload dishwasher
-go grocery shopping
-workout
-take a shower/wash hair
-hand wash the handwash only pile (it's been piling up for a loooong time, didn't have super high hopes it was gonna happen)

Here's what I did:
- watched Rachael Ray
- listened to a sermon
- made an awesome sandwich for lunch
- blogged about Behr (applause!!)
- uploaded/edited 11 pictures from a month ago (um...out of several hundred pics, this doesn't get us close enough)
- did a load of Ayla's laundry (well, steps 1-2 of 4 anyway)
- watched some TED videos on Hulu
- went for a walk with John and Ayla (applause! we're counting this as a workout because I was wearing running shoes)

So, 2 out of 8. Somehow, I'm just fine with that!

Ayla's Behr-friend

2011-05-24T14:59:00.000-04:00

Ayla has a Behr-friend. He's not quite her boyfriend, but he is her friend and his name is Behr.

Behr's mom is Shannon, my friend whom I met when she moved in with me for a few months a couple of years ago. Shannon and her husband Mark quickly became good friends of ours, and I was excited to find out they were expecting their first baby at the same time as us, "due" 4 days before.

Here we are at Shannon's baby shower at 32 weeks:

(I was wearing heels and she was barefoot)

Here we are just 7 and 11 days from our due dates:

How did we go from cute to enormous in just a few weeks?

Wouldn't you know it, Shannon had her baby, Behr Robert, in the early hours of January 12 at 12:55am. He arrived just about an hour before my water broke! When I was at the hospital at 6am and saw Shannon post that he was born, I thought it would be cool if "Blueberry" would come that day, too.

When my labor took longer than I expected and I was finally ready to push a little after 11pm, I asked the nurse if I could have this baby today and she said I probably could. Sure enough, Ayla arrived at 11:33pm, just about as close to the end of the day as we could get!

We've gotten our babies together a few times and as you can tell, they are crazy about each other:

Well, at least we are crazy about each other's babies! It's so fun to have a mommy-friend with a baby who has the same birthday but different Every Thing Else!

One Baby, Two Parents, Three Grandmas, Four Generations

2011-05-18T18:30:00.000-04:00

Ayla has now had the fortune of meeting all of her living great grandmothers. When she was five weeks old, we took her to Texas, where she met John's paternal grandma, "MeMa"

and John's maternal grandma, "Great Grandma."

Then, last week, my wonderful mom took me to see Ayla's third great grandma in Arizona.

This is extra special because she is not my mom's mom. (Ayla will have to wait till heaven to meet her.) "Bubbie Min" is my dad's mom. Even 20+ years after my parent's divorce, my Grandma Min still calls my mom "Karen Darling" and introduces her as her third daughter.

I am blessed to be related to all these amazing women. They've lived long, hard lives. They've loved strongly and lost so many. They've prayed over their children, welcomed their children's children and now they have spread their love over my daughter, too.

I wonder if my mom was thinking the same thing I was? If she'd be posing for a four generation picture with my or my sibling's grandchildren? Will I be fortunate enough to meet Ayla's grandchildren? Time will tell, I suppose, but if I do, I will have to find some technology to pull up these old pictures and show them their heritage.

Every Day Ayla - Month 4

2011-05-13T20:13:00.000-04:00

I simply marvel at this gift I've been given. My little girl is one of my favorite people in the world. I really like her. She's funny and smart and thoughtful. I noticed in this month's pictures, I have fewer of her smiling. It's not because she doesn't smile, because she smiles and laughs all the time. But when she sees the camera, she usually stops and just looks at it like she's trying to figure it out.

Her favorite thing to do right now is put her head back as far as it will go and look up, like she wants to see the world upsidedown. She's also started sucking on her bottom lip to make a little slurping noise. It's really cute!

She rolled over from her belly to her back a few weeks ago, but I think it was an accident and it scared her, so she started crying. She didn't try it again for a while, but on the 11th, I found her on her back after two of her naps (yes, she sleeps on her belly), so I guess she did it again! We'll see how long it takes me to get it on camera!

She loves sucking on her fingers or on anything she can put in her mouth. She smiles at everyone she sees, but I think she has special smiles just for me. She will start laughing at me and throws her head back, so I kiss under her chin, which she just loves and squeals with glee. She loves her daddy, too, and goes to sleep much faster when he puts her down. He's got the magic touch!

She's still a great sleeper, though she's currently rearranging her nap schedule, so she keeps me on my toes. At night, she goes to bed around 8:30, then wakes up at 4:30 to eat and goes right back to sleep until around 8.

During her 4-month appointment, the doctor said I could start giving her rice cereal, but I don't know if I'm ready for that. I kind of like that she's exclusively breastfed, and she's so sweet and chunky, I think she's getting along just fine. Do you all have any opinions about when to start? (Who am I kidding, of course you have opinions! That's why you're my friends!)

Enough talking about her, here's her daily pictures from month 4. (For review, here's months 1 and 2, and 3)

Do you like to laugh and/or eat?

2011-05-09T17:05:00.000-04:00

I have some really exciting news to share.

But first, you must know that two of my favorite things in the world to do are enjoying good comedy and good food. Those are probably what I spend most of my non-housekeeping, mothering or relationship-building time on. And if I can combine any of those things with eating and laughing, then I am a happy girl.

Did you also know that I was a drama major in college? The degree was called Drama/Theatre/Film Performance, but it was mostly theatre. Even though I am clearly not using that degree to its fullest, one thing I learned to love most about it was performing in front of a live audience, and especially making people laugh.

(Now my audience is usually one chubby little baby girl, but she has the best laugh and it's enough for me!)

Anyway, my exciting news is that I've been invited to be a part of a women's comedy troupe with five other ladies from my church and we are performing our first show, of skits and songs, on May 21st!

Now, I know what you're thinking. That's also Judgement Day. And you're right, so, clearly we did not coordinate this well with God's end-time calendar, but we are going to keep our fingers crossed that the judging will occur after our show.

Well, we don't want to be judged after our show, but if Judgement Day means the end of the world, we'd rather go out laughing.

I digress.

So, performing comedy. Love it.

It gets better.

Another awesome lady from our church has started a program called Food for Life. They use food to educate and train low-income young adults in Washington, D.C., empowering them to become change agents in their lives and communities.

We are excited to do our first show as a benefit for Food for Life and we're calling it Laughs for Life. Brilliant, right?

The tickets are only $20 and it includes a delicious dinner prepared by the FFL students and a hilarious show.

Ok, I can only guarantee the delicious dinner part. We'll do our best to make the show hilarious.

If you're in the D.C. area and want to come, let me know and I'll get in touch with you with the details and info about getting tickets. All the proceeds from ticket sales go to Food for Life. If you're not in the area, but are inspired by Food for Life, you can donate to them directly here.

One year ago today

2011-05-06T11:00:00.001-04:00

This is how I told John, gave him this little box, suggesting
we include it in our Mother's Day gifts for our moms.

And here's my Ayla Jewel today!

This is a sad one

2011-05-05T21:08:00.000-04:00

Charred corpse

Dumpster

Burned beyond recognition

dental records

Remains Identified

25-year-old woman

No fixed address

criminal record

One-year-old daughter

These words are the eulogy of a life snuffed out far too soon.

Her body was discovered a month before they knew it was her. Her life was stolen from her for many years before she died.

Resilient--as humans tend to be--she survived poverty, divorce, abandonment, foster care, abuse upon abuse, addiction, homelessness and a system that all but forgot her.

She had a baby girl who changed my life.

(She was once a baby girl, too...)

Her laugh was precious, a treasure shining through cracks of a broken life.

She was sweet, so eager to please, so willing to learn, so impressionable.

Maybe too impressionable.

She was taken advantage of. She abused her own body because so many others had.

She made wrong choices, but who among us doesn't.

She saw a chance for new life in her baby girl's eyes.

She told me of her dreams of getting better, moving home, getting married, having more babies. A little brother maybe for the baby girl.

Suddenly, because she had a child, the system was interested in her well-being. And for the first time, it actually helped her.

But the system cannot give deliverance. The system cannot give healing. The system cannot make new.

Only One can.

I hope with every bit of my broken heart that she met Him before she left.

I took her to church, prayed for and with her, told her that God could help her, that He loved her.

I hoped for a permanent change in her life. She wanted it so badly, was so determined, so in love.

Now her ashes lie in a cold case. Her name strewn about, tied to a mug shot that hides such neglected beauty.

My tears are hot and bitter, burning my cheeks.

My stomach is a mess of knots.

My baby girl smiles at me.

(She's used to seeing me cry.)

How could they? How could her parents not do everything in their power to protect her? How do you bring a life into the world and abandon it? How do you steal someone's innocence? How do you supply drugs and alcohol to someone's baby girl? How do you put someone's body in a dumpster and set it on fire?

In the place of judgement,

Wickedness was there;

And in the place of righteousness,

Iniquity was there.

(Ecc 3:16)

And worse, the questions burning in my heart!

Why didn't I call her more often? Why didn't I insist more persuasively that she come stay with me? Why didn't I answer the phone when I saw it was her? Why was I too tired or busy to watch her baby, to deal with her? What words (Words?) could I have said to help her choose to stay in rehab and off the streets?

No.

I know it's not my fault. Not directly. I could've done all of the above and the outcome might not have changed.

But yes.

Yes, in the sense that I have lived willfully ignorant of the person behind that mug shot. She is on the news in every city. Her deaths unsolved, unimportant. She lives and works on streets all over the world, even mine. I drive by or change the channel and think how blessed I am.

I hope her baby girl will someday know how much her mommy loved her. How much she was wanted. I hope she will know how much God loves her.

This, I know I can help with. This story, I will tell her.

I hope my baby girl will someday know how much God loves that person behind the mug shot, that woman of no fixed address. I pray she will never hesitate to reach out in love to those around her.

This, too, I know I will have a hand in. Because my baby girl will only know it if she sees me live it out. And that's what I will do.

Rest in peace, my friend. You changed my life, and I will never forget yours.

(To read more about Baby F and her mom, E, you can either go to the 2010 Archives and read February's blogs, or go to the Label section and click on "Baby F." She is currently in the custody of her mom's cousin, and has been for the better part of the year. She is in very good hands and we hope she stays there for a long time to come.)

(Tomorrow's blog is much, much cheerier!)

Meanwhile...

2011-05-03T17:37:00.000-04:00

Wow. Just realized I haven't blogged since April 12. Sorry about that. Well, you managed to survive, so, congrats about that.

There's been so much going on, it's hard to know where to start.

I've been giving a lot of thought to what I want this blog to be about. It was sort of an infertility related blog and a bit of a foster care advocacy blog. I'd probably naturally fall into categories such as mommy blogs and Christian woman blogs. I try to be funny sometimes, so there's that, too. But, I want to write on serious topics every once in a while and I'm thinking about dabbling in some political/controversial topics from time to time. I don't know if I can be all of the above, plus whatever I'm feeling at the moment, or if trying to do everything dilutes it all.

One thing I do know, my baby girl is pretty stinking cute, so pictures of her are always a hit. While I'm trying to figure out who I am and what my blog wants to be when it grows up, enjoy this little collage of our Easter pictures.

(created in Picnik with the collage feature, then added the Vibrance and Cinemascope effects)

What are your thoughts on this whole blog identity thing?

(My next blog will be one of those serious ones I told you about.)

Ayla's Quarterly report (and her Every Day pics)

2011-04-12T18:30:00.000-04:00

92 days. A quarter of a year. Just a blink, the beginning of the inhale of the breath of her life. (A life which I believe started with her conception almost exactly a year ago!)

If I couldn't believe it by actually feeling the three months since my darling baby girl came into my life, I'd have to believe it by the tag on her clothes (3 months!), my fellow Jan 12-baby-mama, Shannon's, blog, and well, the plethora of pictures I have stored in various places.

First, a little about her.

Ayla is blossoming into a wonderful little girl. She is about 13 pounds (based on my home-scale holding-her weighing) and carries it all in her belly and thighs. Her favorite thing to do is lay on her back on her changing table and kick her legs and talk. I call it her happy dance. She thwarts my attempts to get it on video by stopping whatever she is doing anytime I point the camera (or iPod more likely) in her direction.

She's also very into talking and laughing. Especially when she's nursing. She gets me going and then we just laugh at each other. This is just one of many special moments that I would love to capture so I can relive later, but am almost glad I can't. It just makes me soak in them and cherish them that much more.

She is doing very well with her head/neck control, but isn't 100%. She's much sturdier, though, so she spends ample time sitting up in my lap or propped up on pillows nearby. She's not quite pushing herself up on her arms during tummy time, but she's close. I've been rolling her over so she can see how it feels, but she hasn't shown any interest in doing it by herself yet. She can hold herself up on her legs, she just doesn't have the upper body strength and balance to stand yet (and I'm very ok with that!)

She's a great eater. Always has been. For this I am very grateful. She's still on about a 3-hour cycle for eating, playing and sleeping, except at night when she does a 5-hour/dream-feed/4-hour combo. I really don't mind getting up to feed her at night because it's one of the only times she'll sleep in my arms anymore.

She is very generous with her smiles and is very social. She smiles at just about everyone who looks at her. She smiles at herself in the mirror (if only she could always do that!). Lately, I've even caught her smiling at the lamp and the clock (and she hasn't even seen Beauty and the Beast yet!).

I know, I know, enough talking about the girl. Time to show you how this month flew.

{Embrace} the sweat

2011-04-07T22:00:00.000-04:00

I went for a run today. A whopping .84 miles. 'Bout burst my lungs, but I did it.

Let me give you some context. I've run a marathon. Three marathons to be exact. I can't even count all the half-marathons and 10-milers and 5Ks I've done. I think that qualifies me to be a little confident in my running abilities.

Ya know what? Those hills, my legs and that wimpy .84 miles didn't care about my running resume! And, wow, running with a jogging stroller is a whole new world.

But I did it.

And I'm gonna do it again.

So for today's Embrace the Camera, I'm embracing the sweat and the hard work it's going to take to get back in shape. I'm never going to get my pre-baby body back exactly the way it was. But with a running buddy as cute as this, who would want to go back?

(We had a little fun with the Photo Booth app on the iMac!)

{Embrace} Seven Years and Cherry Blossoms

2011-03-31T16:36:00.000-04:00

Dear Ayla,

The meaning of this moment is probably lost on you for right now, especially since you slept through most of it. But just as my participating in the Embrace movement is a way to record for you what your mommy looked and lived like when you were a baby, I want you to know your whole story, going back to how Mommy and Daddy fell in love.

Seven years ago this week, I was visiting friends in Washington, D.C. Two people I usually spent time with while here were Michael and John. This particular weekend Michael was busy, so John and I found things to do. (Now, I was not one of those girls you will meet who has more guy friends than girl friends, I just happened to get along well - in a strictly platonic sense mind you - with these two guys.)

One of the things ~~your dad,~~ (oops, getting ahead of myself here) John and I did was go for a motorcycle ride. That night we met up with a group of friends for dinner. After dinner, John said goodnight to me with a "holy half hug" (I'll tell you all about this later) and told me, "You're such a blessing."

(Yeah. Exactly!)

The next day, a beautiful spring Sunday, during church I noticed what an amazing smile John had.

(Anyway)

Since Michael was still busy that afternoon, John and I decided to go for a run around the National Mall.

Now, here's where it gets good. I had just trained for and run a half-marathon, so I was in pretty awesome shape. John, on the other hand, hadn't been running so much. Let's just say, I kicked his butt!

That, and the beauty of the in-full-bloom cherry blossoms surrounding this city's beautiful monuments and memorials, made this one of my favorite runs in my entire life. Afterwards, John and I rested under one of the trees and told each other our life stories, neither of us having any idea that soon and forever after this day our life stories would be intertwined.

(Photo taken March 28, 2004)

I told John on our way home that this was the kind of day to fall in love. I meant fall in love with Washington, D.C., of course, but we have to watch our words, baby girl!

Young John in his old Jeep Wrangler (Photo taken March 28, 2004)

Two weeks later we started dating, 16 months later we got married, and nearly 7 years later we were blessed with you.

So you see, my precious jewel, this is why your mommy and daddy will always try to take you to see the cherry blossoms. You never know, maybe you'll meet your own love there someday!

My 30-step plan to lose (baby) weight

2011-03-30T20:47:00.000-04:00

Spring!

2011-03-28T21:45:00.000-04:00

I had so much fun with some pictures I took out in my back yard today, the brilliant photo-editing website, Picnik, and these quotes from the Quote Garden.

(I also changed my header and FB profile pictures in the same way)

(Oh, you don't do Facebook? Ok, here it is.)

One thing I love about... Sundays

2011-03-27T16:59:00.000-04:00

I go to a mom's group every other Monday.

I go to a women's Bible study every Thursday.

In both of these settings, I get to see my lady friends interact with their and other's children. And I love this and learn so much from them.

But here's one thing I love about Sundays:

What do you love about Sundays?

Saturday night confessions

2011-03-26T23:42:00.000-04:00

The clean clothes are in the laundry basket, so her dirty clothes are piling up on the floor.

The dishes in the dishwasher are clean, so the dirty dishes are piling up in the sink.

I didn't like the sweet potato pie that much when we had it last night, but I still ate another piece tonight.

I wore really uncomfortable boots tonight because I didn't feel like going back up two flights of stairs to change my socks

I didn't update Facebook for two days after my baby was born, but I'm obsessively checking it to get updates on my two friends having babies tonight (one down, one to go!!).

Gratuitous cute baby picture

This is what my baby girl has started doing while she's eating. Laughing and talking to me instead of actually eating. I absolutely love her!! (The confession part? I took this picture while nursing her in a dressing room at TJ Maxx. She had other customers laughing with how much she was enjoying her meal!)

Your turn....

{Embrace} My luck

2011-03-17T18:49:00.000-04:00

I decided to join my sister in the {Embrace the Camera} thing she does on Thursdays. I don't know if I'll do it every week, but I got a cute picture of me and my lucky charm today, so I'm jumping in!

Every Day Ayla - Month Two

2011-03-12T17:08:00.000-05:00

I couldn't find a good song for the slideshow this month, so I decided to just do this as a photo collage.

And as a bonus, here's Month One as a collage, too!

Unknown

2011-03-10T19:27:00.000-05:00

The good news:

John's still here!

The ambiguous news:

We have no idea when he's leaving.

Government bureaucracy, red tape, blah blah blah .

We're (still) cherishing every day we have together, trying to live as normally as possible with the knowledge (and lack of) that he could be leaving any day.

I believe that even this was known to God and is part of the necessary equipping for what is to come. What if we always lived every day watching and waiting for what God has for us in that place where we are? How much more intentional would we be in conversations and relationships if they could be the reason we are "waiting?" How much more quickly to obey would we be?

We say we trust in God's timing, but then we act as if timing is ours. (I can't be the only one who's felt that impatience and frustration when things don't go according to my plan. Right?)

So, that's where we are. Waiting and learning and loving.

How are you doing?

Random helpfulness

2011-03-03T23:39:00.000-05:00

I've been doing lots of laundry lately. In doing so, I have been looking at lots of tags and realized I had no idea what most of those little symbols mean.

You probably already know or don't care, but I'm going to tell you anyway. That's just the kind of person I am. (Emphasis on the kind!)

http://www.textileaffairs.com/lguide.htm

You are welcome!

The answer is no

2011-03-02T20:47:00.000-05:00

(to the question on her shirt)

I have a fun new way to procrastinate. I have a daughter. And she must be photographed. So, when I don't feel like doing anything else, I take pictures of her. Today I thought I would show off a cute t-shirt her Aunt Nikki gave her, a cute hat Grandma bought and the pretty blanket Miss Jayci made.

Here's what we got:

I finally cracked the code and got these:

So, although I don't think she could be any cuter, I have a feeling she will.

(And I'm ok with that!)

Now is later

2011-03-01T21:17:00.000-05:00

I have been reminded that I promised to show you what we got each other for Valentine's Day.

And I will remind those people (moms and sisters mostly) that I said I would post it later, and later is whenever I say it is. And I say it's now.

I got John this Willow Tree figurine, because we have the couple, the pregnant mom and the mom with new baby, and he needed some representation up in our collection! Also, I had to get it because it looks like it was modeled after one of the pictures we love from Ayla's newborn photo shoot (even down to the colors!):

John got me this Lisa Leonard necklace.

"Immah" is Hebrew for mother, the lesser known counterpart to "Abba." It also can mean, "with her," which takes on multiple meanings for us this year.

Ayla got her daddy the picture frame and picture you see in that first picture above. I'll be posting more pictures from her photo shoot in future blogs, but you can see several more on our talented photographer, Ryan Zook's, website.

God got us all a new stroller (you can read the story here), so we all did pretty well!

Did you get or give anything fun or meaningful?

New Post!

2011-02-28T16:07:00.000-05:00

Exclamation point because this is exciting! I haven't blogged in forever!

Since we were last together, we've had a death in the family, a whirlwind trip, lots of packing and shopping and visiting with friends. Our baby girl keeps getting cuter and bigger and better at smiling, and of course we are just falling more in love with her. We are also on the cusp of our year apart.

So much to write about. So many pictures!

I'll just give you a little overview to give you context for what I'll be blogging about in the coming days.

On Feb 17, my husband's cousin's daughter was on a school trip when the SUV she was riding in was in an accident and she was killed. She was 15.

We had planned a trip to visit family in Texas and Oklahoma leaving the next night, but were able to get on an earlier flight out. We spent several days with this family and are better people, parents and husband and wife because of it. This girl, her life and death, changed so much for so many people, and will continue to do so for a long time to come.

One of the reasons we were already going on this trip was for the family to say goodbye to John and meet Ayla. I met John's family in the wake of his brother's death seven years ago, and now my daughter was meeting them in similarly tragic circumstances. We gave her the job of bringing joy to everyone she met, and since she started smiling just the week before, she accomplished her mission perfectly!

We said goodbye to another family member on this trip, too. Mocha went to live with her Aunt Kim this year. John decided she'd be better off with them since they have a dog, a big back yard and a 5-year-old, all things Mocha loves. She's settling in pretty well, as you can see!

And now we are preparing for yet another goodbye. This one, probably the hardest we've had to face in a while. John will most likely be leaving this week, so pretty much all our time and efforts are going towards getting him and us ready for that. It's really hard. Did I mention that? It does make every moment, every hug and kiss, every folded t-shirt and dirty coffee mug that much sweeter.

John has agreed to write a guest blog for me before he leaves. What do you think he should write about?

(Yep, the question at the end of the blog is back. Mwa ha ha ha!)

I love Bob

2011-02-15T00:40:00.000-05:00

My dad's name is Bob and I love him. This is not about him, though.

This is a true and awesome story about a man named Bob whom I decided to love today.

I braved the beautiful 70 degree weather today to go get a Valentine's Day gift for John. I'll show you what I got him (and what he got me) later. It was something I called around to several stores to find, and so I was going to this specific Hallmark on purpose.

I had Ayla in the car seat, but hadn't brought in the stroller, though as I was walking in, I second guessed that decision since I didn't know how long I'd be in there. Right as I entered, an employee, I'll call him Bob (because that's what his name tag called him), from the Buy Buy Baby next door came in behind me pushing an empty stroller.

I jokingly said, "Oh, is that for me?"

In my lightening fast mind, I thought of a few reasons this man was pushing an empty stroller into a Hallmark. Such as, a customer had left it in his store and he had followed them out. Or his wife was in the Hallmark and had asked him to bring the stroller because she didn't want to carry their child around in a car seat while looking for the perfect card (like I was about to). Or maybe he was friends with the staff at the Hallmark and wanted to show them the latest model.

It never even crossed my mind that he might reply,

"Sure, you can have it."

I looked around for the cameras. Couldn't see them.

"Oh, I was just kidding."

"But you can have it."

Me, still not comprehending that he could just give me the stroller.

"Um, I have one already, I really was just kidding."

"But you can still have it. I'm the manager and I was just going to get rid of it."

"What's wrong with it?"

"Nothing. It's brand new. It's the floor model and we don't need it any more. I brought it in here to give away."

Right about then he and I realize that he meant to enter the next store down, a thrift store.

"Well, you should give it to them, the money goes to a good cause, and I'm sure you'd get a tax break for it."

"No, we don't get anything. You can have it if you want."

"I'm not sure this car seat would even fit it." (different brands)

"Yes it will." (Puts car seat in stroller. It fits.)

"Um, ok. If you're sure."

"Yes, take it. It's worth $250. It's a good stroller." (He then shows me how to collapse it.)

"Wow. Thank you. Happy Valentines Day!"

He goes back to work. I stand in the entrance to the Hallmark utterly amazed at what just happened. Still looking around for cameras or any witnesses that will judge me for taking a stroller that could've been sold for charity. Nope.

Just me and my brand new Chicco stroller.

But wait. There's more. Actually, just the funny part.

When I got back to the car, I couldn't figure out how to collapse it. Bob had shown me, but I must have been in "Oh my gosh is this really happening" shock and didn't remember which thing he had pushed. So I pushed and pulled everything. And looked around for cameras. After what felt like 20 minutes of surely looking like an idiot and feeling Bob was going to come out and take it away from me since I couldn't collapse it, I put it in the trunk and drove it home (very carefully) just like this.

Happy Valentines Day to me!

(I did figure out how to collapse it once I got home and looked it up online!)

Every Day Ayla

2011-02-12T23:58:00.000-05:00

I had hoped to be able to roll out a new website today to introduce a project I've been working on.

However...

(sigh)

With limited time and my attention divided between feeding Ayla, changing Ayla, helping Ayla sleep, giving Ayla baths, and kissing Ayla, I didn't get the website up and going.

So, for now, please be content with this. Let's call it a preview. Yes, that sounds better.

I'm taking a picture of Ayla every day of her first year and will be posting them week by week (maybe).

Yes, I realize it's already a month into it.
(Please read the 4th line again. K? Thanks!)

The gift, the puzzle, the story

2011-01-31T20:55:00.000-05:00

Every day, I unwrap a new present. Every day, I start working on a new puzzle. Every day, I start reading a new story.

I watch her eyelids flutter open, tiny eyelashes on the verge of curling. Her mouth starts making its rounds, readying her tongue to bring breakfast in. Then, as I peel off her swaddling, her long arms jolt perfect hands to action. Unknowingly (or maybe just unknown to me), she starts conducting the beautiful music we'll sing and dance to together today. Her legs, so humanly frog-like, direct feet, once planted firmly in my ribs, in a rhythm all her own.

I pick up my precious gift and we start our dance of this day together. Like a video game outdated by the time she's old enough to play it, the dance is as much a game, a puzzle even, as art.

How long will you eat this time, baby? Which side will be your favorite? Are you really finished or just taking a break? Where is that burp, princess? I need to hear it before you get more. This worked yesterday, are you already that different? This morning you were snuggly, now you're acting like you drank 5-hour-energy. Will you want to be changed before you go to sleep, or will the cold air wake you up too much with hiccups and sobs? Will you sleep flat, roll to your side, demand to be held or just keep your beautiful eyes on me or your dad? How long will you sleep this time, my dear? Do I have time to take a nap or a shower, start some laundry, finish a ~~meal~~ ~~snack~~ bite? Yes, I'm laughing at your snores. Is there anything else to do about them? How did you get even cuter since lunch? Apparently, kissing your cheeks only makes them sweeter.

She answers me in coos and grunts and squeaks, and, yes, sometimes even cries. She tells me her story as best she can.

This story is both new and familiar. The characters, the plot twists, the adventures of the princess. All of them shifting slightly like the shadows of nursery curtains swaying to the fan's beat. It's all I can do to remember yesterday's version, which is already overgrown with the daughter of today. The end of each story is the same, a wonderful same I will never tire of. She drinks me in and I eat her up. We change each other. Connect each other to life, now and to come.

This is life. A gift, a puzzle, a story full of love and mystery.

Where I'm From

2011-01-30T22:03:00.000-05:00

My sister posted her version of this poem, which she had to do for a Comp class, then issued a challenge for readers to write their own. I've been working on it for 3 days now. (The little squeaking pink bundle in my arms has provided a wonderfully effective distraction. She's with her Auntie Kim right now, so here you go.)

I am from a wooden rocking chair, three-children old, from Heinz 57 and adjustable plastic roller skates.

I am from the always shared bedroom, top bunk then bottom bunk, Pegasus and princess stories to fall asleep to, wrapped in pastel flowered sheets.

I am from the honeysuckle (sweet summer snack), the sourgrass patch (eat it if you dare).

I am from homemade doughnuts for the bake sale and Mom-approved multi-colored hair, from Blanche and Min and theirs before them.

I am from the address in pencil and tattoos from Missouri.

From "to whom much is given, much is required" and "privilege and responsibility walk hand in hand."

I am from church when it was open, learning to hear God's voice and knowing He is our source.

I'm from 1/32nd Choctaw and half Jew, from the land of the Golden Driller and Praying Hands, shepherd's pie and the world's best brownies.

From the hippies in a prayer circle and fork scars in the hand.

I am from walls covered with generational smiles, shelves of collections, and stories told with older, wiser voices to younger, better ears (pierced maybe a few too many times).

Are you up to the challenge? Go here for the template, then post yours on your blog, then leave me the link in the comments. If you don't have a blog, you can leave your whole poem in the comments.

Mother-in-L(ove) - A Special Guest Blogger

2011-01-28T12:39:00.000-05:00

{I had the great fortune to have my mother-in-law here for a week. I know many people who don't feel that way about their spouse's parents, but if you've ever met Cheryl, you know I won the mother-in-law lottery.

I ~~asked~~ assigned her to write a guest post for my blog, but when she first handed it in, I didn't want to post it. As you'll see, out of all the things she could've written about -- being a grandma, her son, her granddaughter, her grandson, being an educator, how much she loves Texas -- she wrote about me.

After some thought, though, I decided to go ahead and post it. I realized, that despite her best efforts, this still says more about her than it does about me. It shows her generous, loving heart. It shows her continual desire to learn and grow. It shows her gift for remembering and celebrating details and uniqueness in other people. These are all qualities I love about her son, and I pray her granddaughter inherited too!}

I have been given an assignment. As a teacher I am used to giving assignments, not getting them. Anna has requested (with a deadline and a consequence) that I write a guest blog. This is my first experience with blogging, so if the “professional bloggers” out there will cut me a little slack, I will do my best to complete my assignment.

It is a little overwhelming to think about writing something that many people will be reading. I have been pondering about what to write for two days and the one thought that keeps coming back to me is that this is my opportunity to share with Anna’s readers’ things that I appreciate about her. Many of them you already know, but as John’s mother and Ayla’s grandmother I feel that I have a unique perspective. So that is what I have decided to do.

From the moment that John called me and said, “Momma, I got a girlfriend!” until today I have been getting to know this very special woman who has brought such joy to my son. The more I get to know her the more that I am convinced that she was hand-picked by God for my son John. There are many things that I appreciate about Anna. What I love the most about Anna is her love for our Father. I love that she continually seeks Him and listens to His voice. She has a heart for people and reaches out to her friends and family. Anna is a thinking woman and wants to walk in truth.

I love to get in conversations with her about current events. I always learn so much. Of course my favorite subject to talk about with her is the Lord. She always has a perspective and insight that I hadn’t thought of before. I love Anna’s creativity which shows up in her writing and her many projects around the house. I love her world vision.

Anna is at home on the back of John’s motorcycle, canoeing down the river, as well as dressed up and off to a formal event. Anna loves to plan special events for her guests. A good example of this is when my daughter Kimberly, my grandson Jaden and I went to Georgia to see John’s graduation. She planned a very special evening at the restaurant where she worked. We really enjoyed it.

Anna has a great sense of adventure and she is a strong woman who is able to work through the bumps in life that come her way.

Having said all that, (and I could go on and on) the greatest gift that Anna has given me is the privilege of being Grandma to her little Jewel, Ayla. For those of you who have not yet met our princess Ayla, you are in for a treat. She is the sweetest! So, I will add being a great mom to Anna’s long list of things that I love about her. It is such a blessing to know that your granddaughter is in such good hands. I am one blessed grandma. Ayla is my second grandchild, but my first granddaughter. Thank you Anna and John for such a precious gift.

So, Anna, here is your guest blog. I love you and thank God often for bringing you to our family. You are the best! I know that you are going to be a great Mom, and Ayla is super blessed to have you for her mother. I am praying for you, John, and Ayla as you enter this next phase of your journey together.

Love,

Mom

{Thanks, Mom! I have been so grateful for you since I fell in love with John and I love continually discovering the treasure you are.}

In The Moment - A Special Guest Blogger

2011-01-24T22:43:00.000-05:00

{While my mom was visiting us to meet her newest grand baby, I gave her a homework assignment. Here is her first (but maybe not the last?) guest post.}

Sitting, holding, rocking, weeping, watching, cooing, enjoying, loving

How privileged I am to be able to come to Virginia and meet my newest grandchild, Ayla Jewel. Yes, it happened again - my heart is enlarged and my love is multiplied!

Ayla is perfect, beautiful and everything one could pray for. She does all the things a newborn is supposed to do - she sleeps, nurses, makes faces, fills her diapers, makes "ohs" with her lips, looks into my eyes, and sometimes even smiles (No, Walter, it is NOT gas!).

It is hard, though, for me to stay "in the moment."

I look at her and I remember holding her mother in my arms. She, too, was a perfect, beautiful little girl. After two wonderful boys, I was blessed with my A.J. - Anna Joy. I remember the feelings, tears, hopes and prayers. I remember knowing my dependence on the Lord and being humbled with the responsibility of raising a daughter.

April 1979

I am also remembering my mom. How she loved babies! She would have been so thrilled about Ayla and so happy for Anna and John. What a legacy! Mom loved to say we come from a long line of God-fearing, strong women. I would like to say we come from a lon line of strong, godly women.

It is also hard to stay "in the moment" because I look to the future, of course not knowing what it holds. My "mother/grandmother" heart wants it all for my kids and grandkids...

Happiness, peace, joy, success, fulfillment,and love.

No sorrow, pain, hurt, or loneliness.

A wise woman told me when I had my babies that I could prepare not only them, but also their children for their roles in the world. I prayed (oh, how I prayed!), read, studied and tried to raise my children so they would know God, serve Him and find their places in His world.

I know Anna is also looking back and toward the future. And we are both soaking in this blessing --

Being in the moment with Ayla, our Jewel.

Bonus points if you can identify the real "blueberry" in this picture.

{Thanks Mom! You're the best!}

I have a daughter

2011-01-16T21:31:00.000-05:00

If I had told you that with my actual voice (as opposed to my written one), there's a 97% chance that's as far as I'd get. I'd either get too choked up to finish and just look at you with tears in my eyes, hoping you'd fill in the rest, or actually start crying mid-sentence and try to finish but you'd still have to figure out the rest.

So, to keep this blog authentic, I'll leave it there for now.

I won't leave you with nothing, though. As part of God's amazing gift of the entire story of Ayla, He brought me two blogs I don't usually read with words to get me through the labor and delivery process and shape the way I raise my girl.

Ann Voskamp is the new "who I want to be when I grow up." Here's a portion of her blog posted Monday:

“Remember?” I whisper it gentle. “You’re a bag of sand and there’s a hole in your toe — and the sand just keeps trickling out. Just let everything that comes on, trickle on through. Don’t hold on… Just breathe and let go.” All the torn places in a life show us to how let go.

And the work of birthing a child is the work of raising a child – knowing how to let go. We breathe slow together, letting what He gives in this moment fill us, run through us, move on out into the world.

I don’t know how many times a day I still midwife myself and these children, “Just take a deep breath… Breathe.“ The beautiful labor over a child never ends. Our every breath is a murmuring of His name, YWHW.

These words couldn't have been more timely or more essential for me getting through the hours of labor, both naturally and medically induced.

Then, on Wednesday, shortly after I gave birth to a daughter who, by overwhelming popular opinion including my own, looks just like me, my friend Emily posted the link to this blog from titled Own Your Beauty: When Your Girl Looks Like You:

I know that she's a girl, and oh, girls are so good at being so hard on themselves. I want her to be really, really bad at that. I want her to always see what I do when I look at her. I want her to keep peering into the mirror with satisfaction, saying in the sweetest voice you've ever heard- "I look so pretty," and believing it. Not just when she looks at herself in certain light either, at a certain angle, when her hair is having a particularly amazing day.

Although those days are nice.

I've read it at least 20 times and still can't get through it without tearing up. I'm sure you'll hear more from me about this, or I will say something like, "You know that blog I linked to about having a daughter that looks like me? Yeah, I'm working on that."

Finally, because I'm feeling very mushy gushy right now, here's a sweet pic of my angel to close out your Sunday.

Blueberry unveiled

2011-01-13T15:37:00.000-05:00

At 11:33pm on January 12, 2011, we met our beautiful promise.

Our princess.

7lbs, 9oz, 20 inches

100% perfection

Ayla - (Hebrew) Oak tree, tree

Jewel- (English) a person or thing that is treasured, esteemed, or indispensable.

These verses represent our prayer for her life and why we picked these names.

Isaiah 61:3 That they may be called oaks of righteousness,

the planting of the LORD, that he may be glorified.

Psalm 1:2-3 But (her) delight is in the law of Jehovah; And on his law doth (s)he meditate day and night.

And (s)he shall be like a tree planted by the streams of water, That bringeth forth its fruit in its season, Whose leaf also doth not wither; And whatsoever (s)he doeth shall prosper.

Proverbs 20:13 There is gold and abundance of costly stones,

but the lips of knowledge are a precious jewel.

We are so blessed!

(Feel free to share this link with others or on Facebook. I'll be back on the 'Book tomorrow, but for now, I'm gonna rest and enjoy my family!)

End in Sight

2011-01-12T21:49:00.002-05:00

In a matter of hours, a 3-plus years dream of having a baby in my arms made from me and John is going to come true. That, and ONLY that is what I've been working towards all day.

At the moment, I'm relaxing in my hospital bed, letting the pitocin, epidural, and the nurses do their job to help make this dream come true. I'm 8 cm, Blueberry is at +1 station (nice and low!), and we are both doing well with our blood pressure and heart rates, thanks to a little Effedrin.

This day has not gone as I had hoped, but the finish line is the same and it is so near! From water breaking at 1:45am to 12 hours of "natural" labor later, I had only dilated 3 cm. We started pitocin at 1:45pm and I gave natural labor my very best for 4 hours. I know 4 hours is a tiny speck in a 3-yr journey, let alone a lifetime, but it felt like eternity. I asked (rather urgently I must admit) for the Epi at 6, and was soon in happy-land!

Now, I thought I would be well prepared for such an arduous task as natural childbirth for several factors: 1) I've run 3 marathons. I can employ a long-term mentality in required situations. 2) I have high pain tolerance. Blame this one on my brothers for toughening me up as a kid. 3) I'm very, VERY stubborn. There is little I won't finish that I start.

However, these factors were not actually in my favor today. 1) Marathons, even for first-timers are a universal distance, with well-established rituals to help you train and perform at the level you are able. And most of all- they are marked with mile-markers! And everyone who has seen the 20-mile marker has exactly the same distance left to go. Not so with childbirth! Every factor here is different for every individual. We all may have the same finish line, but our distances and routes to get there are never the same. 2) The pain of pitocin-induced contractions was far more than I expected, but I truly believe they were still in my threshold of tolerance. What I couldn't do was run without mile-markers. I had been in such pain for the last two hours accepting that it was all for a good cause, but when the report came back that NO progress had been made, John and I knew we had to try something else. 3) Being stubborn here was actually going to be a stumbling block to get to my finish line. I really, really wanted to do this whole thing without drugs. But I want a baby in my arms far more and it was clear that I could not have that by mere stubbornness.

So here we are. So close to meeting our son or daughter, our emotions have the nurses tearing up. We have never lost sight of the true finish line and we have been surrounded all day (and truthfully for the past 3+ years) by the best crowd support a couple could ask for.

Keep cheering my friends! We're almost there.

End in sight

2011-01-12T21:20:00.000-05:00

In a matter of hours, a 3+-years dream of having a baby in my arms made from me and John is going to come true. That, and ONLY that is what I've been working towards all day.

At the moment, I'm relaxing in my hospital bed, letting the pitocin, epidural, and the nurses do their job to help make this dream come true. I'm 8 cm, Blueberry is at +1 station (nice and low!), and we are both doing well with our blood pressure and heart rates, thanks to a little Effedrin.

This day has not gone as I had hoped, but the finish line is the same and it is so near! From water breaking at 1:45am to 12 hours of "natural" labor later, I had only dilated 3 cm. We started pitocin at 1:45pm and I gave natural labor my very best for 4 hours. I know 4 hours is a tiny speck in a 3-yr journey, let alone a lifetime, but it felt like eternity. I asked (rather urgently I must admit) for the Epi at 6, and was soon in happy-land!

Now, I thought I would be well prepared for such an arduous task as natural childbirth for several factors: 1) I've run 3 marathons. I can employ a long-term mentality in required situations. 2) I have high pain tolerance. Blame this one on my brothers for toughening me up as a kid. 3) I'm very, VERY stubborn. There is little I won't finish that I start.

However, these factors were not actually in my favor today. 1) Marathons, even for first-timers are a universal distance, with well-established rituals to help you train and perform at the level you are able. And most of all- they are marked with mile-markers! And everyone who has seen the 20-mile marker has exactly the same distance left to go. Not so with childbirth! Every factor here is different for every individual. We all may have the same finish line, but our distances and routes to get there are never the same. 2) The pain of pitocin-induced contractions was far more than I expected, but I truly believe they were still in my threshold of tolerance. What I couldn't do was run without mile-markers. I had been in such pain for the last two hours accepting that it was all for a good cause, but when the report came back that NO progress had been made, John and I knew we had to try something else. 3) Being stubborn here was actually going to be a stumbling block to get to my finish line. I really, really wanted to do this whole thing without drugs. But I want a baby in my arms far more and it was clear that I could not have that by mere stubbornness.

So here we are. So close to meeting our son or daughter, our emotions have the nurses tearing up. We have never lost sight of the true finish line and we have been surrounded all day (and truthfully for the past 3+ years) by the best crowd support a couple could ask for.

Keep cheering my friends! We're almost there.

Palindrome anyone? (Take 2)

2011-01-12T08:46:00.000-05:00

(Nurse came in to check on me and so I accidentally hit send!)

As much as I wanted Blueberry to have a cool birthday of 1-11-11, it was not to be. I had contractions all day yesterday, but they decreased throughout the day, so we stayed put.

My water broke around 2am followed by even stronger contractions, which I monitored until they got to the 5-1-1 threshold. I called my doc and she said come in, so we did. We checked into the hospital this morning around 6:30 and got a great room.

The first nurse said that Blueberry was the most beautiful baby here, so I really like where this is headed! Plus, my friend pointed out that a birthday today is a palindrome, and I'm down with that, as my name is one of those, too.

We are all doing well and hoping for a short stay on this side of having a baby!

That's all for now. I'll try to keep you updated as much as I can. Thanks for all the prayers and well-wishes coming our way!

To be filed under "No Plan Survives First Contact"

2011-01-10T21:38:00.000-05:00

The best way for you to be in the know when Blueberry comes is to subscribe to this blog to get each post as an email. (There is a link on the left for you to do this. You can unsubscribe whenever you want.) I know I usually post the link to my blogs on Twitter and FB, but that's a step I won't take from the time I go the hospital until we come home. I will post updates here, though. (What's the good of having a baby if you can't use it to make people read your blog?)

Also, if you comment on my blog, please don't use our last name. Thanks! If you are unable to comment on the blog for some weird technical reason, you should be able to respond to the blogs you get as emails and your response will come to me as an email.

Thanks to all for your prayers, support and excitement. We are so ready to meet our little one. We just hope he or she is ready to meet us soon!

(Oh, and because some have asked, we are registered at Babies R Us and Amazon.) (Not a hint, just an answer!)

Baby Name hints

2011-01-07T15:48:00.000-05:00

Alright, y'all. I know some of you are getting anxious to hear any news about Blueberry.

Well, as many people have told me, just hang in there. I'm not anxious, just relaxing and enjoying what will be the last precious moments with my baby as close to me as he or she will ever be and being with my husband before the biggest life change we know.

I'm feeling pretty good. We've learned how to manage the pain of the swelling feet (massages with Burt's Bees Mama Bee Leg and Foot Creme). I can feel myself getting stronger on my long walks every day (Mocha is enjoying them, too!). I went to a chiropractor today who gave me a great adjustment and the good news that there's nothing blocking Blueberry from dropping and also some good stretches to do to stay aligned.

So, while we ALL patiently wait, I thought I'd give you the only hint we've given out about our chosen names. We're going to use John's initials if we have a boy and mine if we have a girl.

Have fun guessing!

One Word 2011

2011-01-03T22:37:00.000-05:00

My heart is pounding in my ears even as I type that title.

My friend, Alece, started a challenge last year, which I did not accept. She chose one word to focus on for the year, and invited others to do the same. It's a great concept for those of us who don't like to make resolutions, but I resisted last year because I felt it was so limiting.

I was even very resistant this year when she invited us to join her again. But I couldn't stop thinking about it. Thinking about what my word would be, if, you know, I did choose one. How would it shape my thinking? My writing? I kept pushing those thoughts away because I was pretty certain I would mostly be focusing on my baby and didn't want to be tied to anything else.

Those were excuses though.

The truth is that my word was chasing me and I was running. I didn't want to commit. Didn't want to be accountable. Vulnerable.

Which is probably exactly why I need to do it.

So, my word for 2011 is

(drum roll)

Joy

No, just kidding. I think we all had enough of that last month.

The word making me extremely nervous right now is

Ask

I've written before how I just like to know, but not to learn. I like to be the one to give help, but not so much to receive it. I like to have the answers, not the questions.

So ask is key for me this year, being a new, partially-single mom. I'm so fortunate to be surrounded by a goldmine of wisdom and experience of other moms who love me and are there for me. It's a bonus prize that many of their husbands are good friends of John's and have offered their help. All I need to do is ask.

Ask is key to unlocking what God has for me this year. There's even a Scripture about that somewhere.

Ask is key to being a better writer. I'll need to ask for advice, feedback and ideas. I'll need to ask for opportunities to write and ask people to let me tell their stories (and then listen to them when they tell me!).

There's so much more, but hey, we've got a year.

Here we go. You in?

(If you want to join the One Word challenge or see what others are blogging about, click out the graphic on the left.)

Finish Line Joys!

2010-12-31T20:02:00.000-05:00

So here we are. The last day, the last blog and the last joys of the 2010. I don't know about you, but I'm glad to be crossing this finish line (I might be waddling slowly, but I'm finishing, dang it!). In honor of finishing, I thought I'd include some joys that involve completion.

91) I have had a major jewelry problem for the past several years, in that I have had too much jewelry to fit in any box that I could find. I don't wear very much jewelry, but I like to get and buy it, so that leads me to needing adequate display/storage, especially for my necklaces. A few months ago, I created the boards on the left out of a cheap pack of bulletin squares w/ stick-ups, scrapbook pages and ribbon for backing and cute thumb tacks. The total for the project came to about $10 and I was very proud of it. Until they all fell off the wall a few weeks later. Not one to be easily daunted, I tried again with a real bulletin board covered with scrapbook pages and ribbon screwed into the wall, with cute thumb tacks to hang the necklaces on. And I am once again proud of it!

92) About 3 years ago we took the door off the closet in our bedroom, thinking we'd hang a curtain up to give us more space. So for the past 3 years, the closet door has been off the hinges in the space we thought we'd save. Well, today, we finally got the curtain rods up and the curtain hung. Space saved!!

93) Oh, this is nothing much, just a little bag packed to take to the hospital when we go there to have our baby!!

94) Speaking of our baby, I promised you a sneak peak of Blueberry's room. Well, here's the before, when it was our spare guest room and general dumping ground for random stuff; John and my best friend, Neelka, painting it, and what it actually looks like today. I know, we are so ready for this baby! Don't worry, we'll get the furniture redispersed to where it belongs after the floors are finished tomorrow, and I'll show you the whole nursery when it's really complete.

95) Until then, here's another peek. This is the crib set and memory board my mom made out of the fabric I shipped her (see pile on left). She's amazing! I'm so excited for Blueberry to have this one of a kind nursery made with love by family. (Mom wants you to know the blue pillows are blueberries, not to be confused with blue for boy.)

96) When I was at the grocery store today with half of the other residents of my zipcode, the lady behind the deli counter asked how close I was. I told her I had one week to go and asked if she wanted to guess what I was having. She said she should know after 6 kids of her own and guessed girl. Then she asked me to bring "her" in to meet her next week. I've never seen this lady before in my life, but I think we gave each other a little bit of joy in the midst of a hectic shopping day!

97) It's almost 8pm here. That's 2 hours after the NYE party that we're supposed to be at started. And my wonderful husband is patiently waiting for me to finish this blog so we can go. He will be almost as happy as I am that this self-imposed deadline has been met!

98-99) I started this month of joys with my nephew Solomon, having no idea that he'd be my closing joys as well. He's been in the hospital for the past two weeks fighting numerous symptoms caused by a viscous infection. My brother and sister-in-law, and the rest of us, have been overwhelmed with the outpouring of support, prayers and love for this little guy. They want to make sure the staff at the hospital doesn't go unrecognized for all their loving work, so here is our little hero with Drs Chang and Mather. You can just see how much joy they have in this now healthy patient.

100) Solomon is home! He is out of the hospital. He is done! This is truly glad tidings of great joy to be spread across the land!

And now, so am I. Happy New Year to all of you!

Peaceful and Beautiful and Dusty Joys

2010-12-30T17:25:00.000-05:00

My husband asked me the other day what constituted a "joy" for this blog. It's a good question, since I have been using the term pretty liberally here. I've been using it to express things that make me happy, things I'm thankful for, and events and people who bring joy to my heart. So, I guess it means whatever I want it to mean! And with that, here are 10 more:

81) This little device has brought peace to me, which has meant joy for John. When it picks up the sound of barking within 25 feet, it emits a high-pitched tone only Mocha can hear, so she is learning not to bark in the house, or at least to express her opinion in one bark or less!

82) I've told you how I love getting photo Christmas cards. Well, this specific one I've been waiting several weeks for. This is another little Abigail whose mom and dad are good friends of ours and live right down the street from us. Abigail's mom and I were in a season of waiting together for a while, and had many meaningful discussions of what we were learning and struggling with while we waited for our babies. She let me come take newborn/holiday pictures of her cutie, so it was very fun to see this come in the mail. (The bottom picture was my favorite of the hundreds I took, so I just had to throw it in!)

83) Shannon was my roommate for a few months when she first moved to this area. Her husband was still job hunting, but her job had already started, so she needed a place to stay until he moved down. We've become great friends, and now are expecting our babies only 4 days apart! She came to have breakfast with me yesterday and I so enjoyed discussing this time of our lives-- our hopes, fears, ~~complaints~~ blessed symptoms, and how we are grappling with all the unknowns. (You can go check out her blog here. She's a great writer with a fantastic eye for design!)

84-90) All I can say is Wow! Ok, I will say more, but that about sums it up. Last night, seven of our friends came over to help us move furniture and tear up the carpet on two levels of our house. (We're getting hardwoods put in this weekend! Hooray!) They all had put in full days of work, some of them sacrificing precious time with spouses and children to help save us a couple hundred bucks. These guys and gals jumped right in to move furniture up and down stairs, rip out disgusting carpet and padding, straining backs and bruising knees to pull out staples and tack strips.What we expected to be a two-night job, they finished in about two hours. I just cannot say thank you enough, so I am counting each one--Adam, Erin, John Mark, Robby, Joe, Ben and Liz--a separate joy!

Tomorrow will be the last Joy post and the last blog before I take a little break, and it's gonna be good! I've got some great news about Solomon and some sneak peeks of Blueberry's room. You won't want to miss it!

Belly and Baby (and Bible) Joy

2010-12-28T12:48:00.000-05:00

Somehow I've made it almost all the way through this month of joys without sharing one of my main sources of joy - The Bible.

But with so much to meditate on in the Word, I needed to pick a theme, so I decided to illustrate a few Scriptures with the progression of my belly and ultrasound pictures. I hope you enjoy them (and forgive me for a few out-of-context-but-funny-or-appropriate selections!).

70) For there is nothing hidden which will not be revealed, nor has anything been kept secret but that it should come to light. Mark 4:22 (not quite showing yet)

71) For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay. Habakkuk 2:3 (not finding out the gender)

72) For indeed, as soon as the voice of your greeting sounded in my ears, the babe leaped in my womb for joy. Blessed is she who believed, for there will be a fulfillment of those things which were told her from the Lord. Luke 1:44-45 (around this time I really could feel Blueberry moving)

73) Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, The fruit of the womb is a reward. Psalm 127:3 (ah, back in the cute bump days)

74) I was cast upon You from birth. From My mother’s womb You have been My God. Psalm 22:10

75) The LORD has done great things for us, and we are glad. Psalm 126:3

76) Those who sow in tears shall reap in joy. Psalm 126:5

77) For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well. Psalm 139:13-14

78) When the LORD your God enlarges your border as He has promised you, and you say, ‘Let me eat meat,’ because you long to eat meat, you may eat as much meat as your heart desires. Deuteronomy 12:20 (I know this is out of context, but isn't it true to the approach we sometimes take to eating when we are pregnant? Plus, I do feel that God is enlarging my borders as promised!)

79) My frame was not hidden from You, when I was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, the days fashioned for me, when as yet there were none of them. Psalm 139:15-16 (Even though Blueberry is playing peek-a-boo here, I love knowing s/he will never be hidden from the loving eyes of God.)

80) Do not neglect the gift that is in you, which was given to you by prophecy with the laying on of the hands of the eldership. Meditate on these things; give yourself entirely to them, that your progress may be evident to all. I Timothy 4:14-15 (Again, I know it's out of context, but I have felt my pregnancy is a literal depiction of this passage. This baby's life is a gift, given after much prayer with laying on of hands. As I have taken care of this unborn baby, learning all I can about it and preparing myself for my entire life to be changed, my progress (physically at least!) is evident to all.)

PS: I get lots of comments that I am not that big. I actually have been measuring a few weeks small, which is why I got to have the two extra 33-and 37-week ultrasounds. Fortunately, Blueberry is measuring just a few days small, so well within the acceptable range. But believe me, I FEEL huge and have gained more than the average share of weight, so there.

Wrapping up Christmas Joys

2010-12-27T17:09:00.000-05:00

When you blog about joy in December, you obviously have to include the joys of Christmas. When you don't get to travel to be with family for Christmas, you have to find joy in being right where you are.

Here, through the eyes of joy, is our first and last Christmas alone in our house.

58) Up early due to hunger, rather than child-like excitement to open gifts, I made my first cinnamon rolls from scratch. They were no substitute for Grandma C's monkey bread or my B-I-L's gourmet breakfast feasts, but with strong coffee, they did the trick to get us ready for 59.

59) In John's family, there is only one grandkid (at least until next month), so Christmas starts when he wakes up. We've been there for almost all his Christmases, and this year we were virtually there, via Skype.

60) Four-year-old Jaden was so fun to watch open his mountain of presents. The only thing that kept him from playing with each one immediately was the beckoning mystery of what was in the next.

61) On my side of the family, there are 8 grandkids (until next month), so it's a little more chaotic when it comes to opening presents. Still, we maintain some order by opening one gift at a time in order of youngest to oldest. Here are my sister's twins opening the basketball hoop we sent them. Also thanks to Skype, we were able to watch as each nie-nep (my word for the 7 nephews and 1 niece), except for Solo who is still in the hospital, opened and went right to playing with their gifts, mumbling quick thank-yous in the direction of the laptop.

62) Even Mocha's gift from Grandpa W was put to use right away!

63) For part two of Christmas we were actually present with friends who are virtually family. Michael and Mary were part of the "Class of 05" with us--a number of couples from our then-church who got married in 2005. John and Michael were roommates at the time and best men in each other's weddings. We are so blessed to be Aunt and Uncle to their two girls, Sophia and Bella, and have them be the same for Blueberry. This is Mary's beautiful table with her heirloom china, on which we enjoyed the delicious brisket dinner she prepared.

64) After dinner, our new friends Douglass and Andrea gathered the kids around to read the stable animals' version of the Christmas story. Their son, Noah, took advantage of the audience to tell a story of his own.

65) Sophia anticipated each animal's voice and rewarded Douglass with approving laughter.

66) Evie played catch with John and celebrated each time she caught.

67) Bella couldn't decide which was more fun, the purse she got or the little finger puppets that came in it. (The purse won, she carried it around the rest of the night.)

68) Noah was happy to have a "manly" toy to play with amidst all these girly things, but I think his parents were happier that his toy couldn't break or hurt anything!

69) We are so thankful for the magic of Christmas, that turns friends into families and families into friends.

So, dear readers, how was your Christmas (or holiday of choice)? Did you find and give joy? What was your favorite present given and received?

I'm linked up with the other 100 Joys blogs on Sarah Markley's blog today. Click on the 100 Joys graphic on the sidebar for even more joys.

Still (57)

2010-12-25T19:09:00.002-05:00

This is a rough draft of a poem I wrote today. I will probably edit and rewrite and maybe repost it next year, but I wanted to share it with you while it is timely.

Still

I am Anna

I have spent long days in the house of my God.

My eyes have grown weary as I’ve watched and waited

For One.

I long for my Heavenly home but can’t go

Until…. But still,

I need joy this night.

I am Joseph

This is not happening the way I had planned

I feel the weight of the world at the door.

They say it’s crazy. Some say I’m brave.

I’m just trying to obey

His will. But still,

I need joy this night.

I am the shepherds

My life was interrupted by a song from Heaven

And now I’m on a curious mission.

I have rough and dirty hands and can’t fathom why a king would choose

This cold soul on a hill. But still,

I need joy this night.

I am the wise men

My head and heart are full of questions and dreams.

I have come a long way in seeking the truth.

Knowledge I have, but now it’s light I must seek.

Perhaps I won’t find it

I hope I will. But still,

I need joy this night.

I am King Herod

I am terrified of the news of One

Both smaller and greater than me.

His very existence threatens my kingdom

He is the enemy

Of all my hands have built. But still,

I need joy this night.

I am Mary

I am weary from this journey to find a promise kept.

Even the blessing I prepare for has great sorrow to come.

I know all must be done to accomplish

His will. But still,

I need joy this night.

Do you need joy this night?

Joy has come!

He’s here now and is coming still.

Christmas Eve Joy

2010-12-24T20:51:00.000-05:00

I inherited many traits from my mother. One I did not inherit was her love and talent for Christmas decorations. She knows how to make things very festive by doing things like wrapping furniture (desks, shelves) in Christmas paper.

I typically just put out the few Christmas decorations I've been given over the years to justify them taking up space in my attic. It usually looks pretty pathetic, but it doesn't matter. We're not usually here for Christmas anyway.

As you would expect, with our due date only two (2!) weeks away, we can't travel home, so I felt compelled to do a little more decorating. Going through my decorations and designing a new way to display my favorite things brought new joys.

53) Here's the wide shot. We don't get a tree, we just use our topiaries (this year placed out of Mocha's reach) for the few ornaments I have. A wreath created by my good friend, Nikki, adds a personalized touch and reminds me of what incredible friends I have.

54) This is the only manger scene I've ever purchased. Some children in an orphanage in Kyrgyzstan (where I was deployed in 2006) made it. Makes me smile to think of baby Jesus in a yurt!

55) I don't do stockings. But this is from Blueberry's Grandma C, so it had to go up. So, yeah, we're having a baby!

56) In years past, cards were strewn about and photos went on the fridge, but I remember my grandparents doing something like this with their cards, so I decided to start my own tradition displaying them like this.

I pray your Christmas is full of joy. Even if you don't see or feel it for yourself, why not make some joy for others? Give someone a smile, a hug or, heck, even a kiss! Say a prayer for families stuck in hospitals or homeless shelters tonight. Write a note of thanks to a deployed servicemember on USO's website. I bet once you start looking for ways to bring joys to others, you'll feel it start to creep in your own heart!

Merry Christmas to all of you from all of us here at Anna's Joy!

(Just me, really, but it sounds better to say it that way!)

Joy Bombardment

2010-12-22T17:48:00.000-05:00

10 days left and 55 more Joys. Buckle your seatbelts. Here we go!

45) I found this cartoon to go along with my blog about cartoon bears and toilet paper:

46) Gifts to be given to a sibling group of 3 currently in foster care. There is joy certainly in giving, but this giving was made possible because a friend of mine got her dream job working for the Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute.

47) Remember Joy 26? (hint, it was a trip to IKEA with a new friend) While we were having lunch in the cafeteria, this little bird paid us a visit. Normally, an animal fluttering around where one eats (inside) is not a good thing, but this little one was quite delightful (though it didn't sit still long enough for a good picture).

48) Cookie Brownie Bars. Must have been invented by a pregnant woman.

49) My husband doing what he loves, working on his Jeep.

50) We went to visit our first foster baby, Baby F. She is 10 1/2 months old, and is doing so well!! She's speed crawling, pulling up, has two bottom teeth, can high-five and has the sweetest, sunniest personality. She came to me right away and warmed up to John in about 5 seconds. She's currently with her older cousin (coincidentally named Joy?) while her mommy, E, is struggling to get her act together.

51) This weekend has been a tough one for my family in Oklahoma. On Friday night, my 3-yr-old nephew Solomon, was admitted to the hospital because he was having difficulty breathing and a rash, among other symptoms. Since then, they have diagnosed him with Toxic Shock Syndrome due to the spread of a strep or staph infection into his blood. For the past few days, he has been on a ventilator and heavy sedation to help him breathe and sleep. Why is this a joy? I have loved seeing the online and IRL community come around my family in their time of need. I can't be there in person, but knowing they are well taken care of and have people all over the world praying for them gives me joy. (You can be sure of another joy reported when he goes home all better!)

52) This picture represents answered prayers (No and Yes). I have to be vague about the specifics for now, but I'll try to explain. We had an idea about the way something should be. We prayed about it. A few months later (last week), the situation where that thing could be presented itself. I jumped on it. It seemed rightish, but needed more prayer. Within only two days, a better Yes appeared and we all felt peace about the No regarding my idea. God supplied the answer to a need for three of our friends and I know He will for us, too!

Googling Joy

2010-12-16T22:21:00.000-05:00

Here's what I discovered harnessing the power of Google to find joy tonight:

(38) Joyce Meyer is more popular than "joy"

(39) This 100 Joys project would've been easier if I had this machine:

(40) Joy made the news:

(41) Maybe I should read that article and put it to good use here:

(42) According to Google Images, joy means either jumping or throwing something in the air:

(43) Hmm, never would've connected these words and images:

Here's what the website where I found it (http://www.moca.org/party/finishingschool/?cat=6) says:

Intrigued by the military term “finding joy” (referring to the successful establishment of radio contact on the battlefield), Finishing School leads a workshop in which participants build small DIY radios that will be used to detect prerecorded transmissions located throughout the museum. To generate audio content prior to the event, Finishing School will interview members of the MOCA community about what brings them joy.

(44) The Finishing School also, apparently, offers a Finding Joy hotline. I may have to call them tomorrow if I'm drawing a blank again, like I was tonight!